Hitchy?
So am I engaged? I would have to say no. A Lite Beer coaster just doesn't cut it and I haven't shelled out the 20k for a ring yet. However she's a helluva gal and I'd be a lucky man to get her to say "I do". So stay tuned, I'll keep ya'alls updated
Vegas Baby, Vegas
Back in January I was the victim of a suckerpunch/kick in the head in Studio 54, located within the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. I suffered a large black eye, eye contusions and a split lip that required seven stitches. The perpetrators got away. I asked the hotel security to review the video tapes. They refused. My company's corporate attorney also asked (it was a business trip/event), they turned him down too. This week three people died as the result of a casino shooting frenzy involving bikers. Apparently the police got all of
that on tape and they are quite proud of the fact that they are conducting an in-depth investigation. I wonder why that is on tape and my assault isn't. Granted a triple homicide beats a split lip any day of the week. But violence is violence and all those cameras up there lead one to feel safer than one should. A Vegas cabbie explained to me that if the clubs get too many police reports they can be shut down. So possibly it was in the hotel's best interest not to be very helpful. In fact when I demanded to file a police report, MGM security started to treat me very unkindly and started to watch everything I did.
Now I love Vegas. I've been going there since I was a kid. Everytime I go I have a weird and fun time. But I'd just like to weigh in on one point. Vegas is not safe. It isn't the fun family atmosphere they want you to believe it is, maybe that's part of the charm. I can't wait to go back but this time I'm bringing the brass knuckles.
Congratulations Cap'n
Now that you're employed, can you come to your senses and stop driking Red Bull and Mandarin? Or at least stop admitting to it?
NEWSFLASH - Captain Heinous is RE-EMPLOYED
Indeed, after an entire year of un-FT responsibility and cash money, the Captain has again gained the status of the working ranks. Alas, less time to devote to his online ambitions, but new moods abound to positive thinking. The Captain is coming to his senses you say?! Balderdash! Just bring the Red Bull and Mandarin and you will see the beast unleashed. But fear not, with the new cash infusion, there are new travel plans in the works. SPREAD THE WORD is the mission at hand and Lowbar will live on in a worldwide capacity. This year may feature:
1) Lowbar sponsorship of the 2002 F1 race in Montreal
2) Lowbar entry into the 2002 Running of the Bulls
3) Several west coast/Vegas trips.
GOOD GOD MAN COME TO YOUR SENSES
Can this be true?! Is this for real....ENGAGED?! Well congratulations are in order I suppose. Make her get you some real hardware, though, this is serious business. Change must certainly be in the air and I think for the positive (see next posting). The Captain sadly regrets that he has not been involved in the revelry out West, but is holding up the East coast operations. Time is ticking away on lonely, boring, workless days, but soon a new liberty will emerge!
Two Quotes for HH
"
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." -- G. Santayana
"
We're doomed to repeat the past no matter what. That's what it is to be alive." -- K. Vonnegut
Congrats though, seriously. I'm a bit disappointed you didn't give us a good chance to evaluate her first. Please post pictures, or better yet bring her down to SD with you next week.
If you try to put me in a penguin suit, I may get ornery.
Lite Night
40 mile per hour gusts at SFO caused me to put down my GQ article on
erotic mind-control and concentrate on hopes of seeing the runway out of the tiny window. My arrival into the house was no less bumpy, filled with "don't honey me"s. Those slid away as we consumed more alcohol. Once again Goldschlager proved to be social lube along with Sublime's "Pawn Shop". Suddenly I was playing pool like a respectable person down at the Pizzaria Uno on Lombard. Between missed shots of stripes and solids she asked if I was interested in marrying her. I told her that she was neither a) on one knee or b) presenting any ring. She quickly produced a coaster and ripped out the center, dropped to her right knee and thrust the "Lite Beer" emblem on my ring finger. I've proposed like this about a hundred times to her before, each time it becomes a little more ridiculous and a lot more silly. I said "yes" like she always says to me when I ask her. Somehow having her ask me is a lot more serious however. I wore the coaster on my finger the rest of the night. Over at the Mauna Loa on Fillmore, Katie the horn-rimmed barmaid was beside herself congratulating us. I wasn't sure this morning if any of this would be remembered. Those thoughts quickly dispersed when she told me we got engaged last night. "OK" I said. "I wasn't asking" she said, "just stating a fact." Oh boy.
Looking for Mother's Day Gift Ideas?
If you really want to surprise mom this year, I suggest
giving this a shot.
Too bad you have to plan 6-8 weeks in advance. Don't worry, there's still time for Father's Day!
Your Friends Will Be Fucking Astounded at How Cool You Sound
My shoes (Timberland, 2 count, leather, $78.99) have become worn, scuffed and odor-laden. I need two new shoes*.
Butting heads with this stubborn, unwavering fact is the following phenomenon: For no reason whatsoever, I have been in heavy demand for social engagements over the past few weeks. My life has gotten to the point that I need to buy shoes instead of accept the next social invitation extended to me. Without exception, I have accepted several offers to drink cans/bottles/glasses of alcohol with my peers rather than eschew these soirees in deference to my shoe-procuring needs.
The reasons for this are severalfold, but it basically boils down to this:
Telling someone that you can't meet up with them because you need to get new shoes is absolutely unheard of, and in most cases will be considered a fake excuse.
Out of necessity, I have generated a solutions-schematic for this quandary. As is the case with most spoken-word sentences, the key is in the delivery. Therefore, instead of bluntly explaining that shoes and naught but shoes is what you need, the answer lies in subtly touting the entire activity of shoe-shopping.
I proffer one or several of the following:
- "I'ma get my shoe-shopping on."
- "I'm fittin to get my shoe-shopping on."
- "... And the clock strikes shoes o'clock."
- "3...2...1... shoestact."
- "The dawn of a new era of shoes-shopping has descended upon me."
- "Extra! Extra! Read all about it! [Your first initial here]-Dawg shops for shoes!"
- "I will leverage and implement footwear solutions."
- "It's shoes time."
* They will protect the soles of my feet and I will wear them for walking.
Heavy Casualties Update
The Sauza/Hurricanes woke me up.
Went to the Field, found some English/Irish barflies I know.
Shots of Goldschlager(sp?) with Guinness chasers.
Phone mix-up/fuck-up with special ladyfriend.
In depth conversation on which is a worse word, cunt or twat.
Almost pissed my pants (again) trying to get in BK's apt.
Woke up in odd corner of the room this morning.
Open Your Pie-Hole
You can now add your thoughts as desired in the little box to the left. Cute. Free. Fun.
Disaster Timeline
Background: HH will spend night of 25 Apr 02 in BK apartment while visiting San Diego for 'business', BK to spend night at Girlfreund-haus.
25 Apr 02
1925: BK, HH rendevous in BK's apartment building, San Diego, CA, for turnover of BK's apartment keys.
1930: Screening of "Curbed Enthusiasm," girlfreund departs to mall to buy white t-shirts.
1951: BK, HH indulge in small glasses of Sauza Triada tequila, the best stuff you can buy in my opinon.
2008: BK leaves to go spend evening with special ladyfriend, HH reports he will be asleep within the hour.
2345: BK asleep, Pacific Beach, CA.
26 Apr 02
0135: BK awakened by ringing mobile phone, slurry HH on other end begs for entry code to BK apartment building.
0136: Tactical Error: BK surrenders building code to HH.
1025: HH unaccounted for. BK apartment status unknown, heavy casualties expected.
Updates will follow.
Trophy Kiss
Cristie Kerr kisses
her trophy.
I played Scrabble the other night with three male friends of mine. The first word down was "cunts". The words that followed seemed to be in reference to the first word, sort of a word association type thing, maybe I was just thinking too much. You be the judge:
- Cunts
- Tolls
- Lane
- Ew
- Canned
- Jade
- Mace
- Give
- Oath
- Tort
- His
- Yak
- Niece
- Vague
- Goose
- Guilt
- Wall
- Orbs
- Wides
- Yearn
- Dye
- Zip
- Bit
Click Click Boob
Just heard the lastest offering from Saliva, a tune entitled,
"Click, Click, Boom", a catchy little ditty that will have you shouting the title in no time. I've heard this song before... I've heard the singer. Hey isn't the Fred dude from Limp Bizicutt pelting out his wounded puppy exclaimations? Is that Kidd Rokk I hear as well? No wait, it's... I know... it's Living Color, man I wondered what happened to those guys.
A Quick Thank You
I don't typically thank many people, but reading a recent story reminded me that I should. Thank you brave passengers of
Flight 93.
1/4-year predictions for 2002
1. Spicy mole Burritos will surpass hamburgers as America's favorite food.
2. Osama Bin Laden will start new daytime talkshow on Al Jezera network. 1st episode will outperform MTV's, The Osbornes. Show will be cancelled after three episodes due to ratings.
3. 1st teacher in space will discover that there is more money in the speaking circuit than there is in public education.
4. Mojito: Out, Tequila Gimlet: In.
5. THC pills available OTC.
6. US will exercise hidden IMF loan clause and buy up all outstanding shares of Venezuela. Rep Trafficant will be named Governor.
7. Love-handles and cellulite will be "in" for brief 2 month stint and will loose favor almost immediately, replaced by nation-wide fascination with stretchy robots.
8. Acid-washed Jazz, a combo of Jazz and Country music will permeate the airwaves.
9. San Francisco will become a sleepy town of 100,000 (mostly migrant farmers). Real estate prices will continue to drop to 75 year low.
10. The moon will turn to blood and the four horsemen of the Apocalypse will ride into your neighborhood.
Fed Government has Spent $50 million on Surveillance of its Citizens
Rep. Dick Armey thinks we should know and be outraged that our
government has spent so much money on watching us and developing the technology to pick out our identities from a crowd of people.
After September 11th I was very worried that my individual freedoms would erode. To some extent they have. I can no longer ride my bicycle across the Golden Gate Bridge in the same way that I used to (they closed off one side during the week) and I have to go through the humiliation of my bags being rummaged through at airports, plus I have to show my ID about six times a day when I travel. Like most Americans I accept this as part of the solution, but infringement on personal rights is a sticky issue.
Recently at work I ran into a similar situation. For years I have had card access to a computer server room. Our IT department was run by a couple of guys who were buddies of mine. Suddenly about four months ago they were both laid off and their roles were taken over by an outsourced company. I felt sorry for my friends but did not think the change would effect me personally. Yesterday I discovered that my rights to access the server room had been cut off. I wasn't even notified, I just tried to get in and couldn't. Now I must struggle to get that right back and petition this outsourced company to let me back in. Why did this happen? Because the power to do such a thing had shifted to an uncaring source whose primary goal is to cover thier ass against hackers both internal and external. I submit that the same has occured with our government. This is no longer a government with it's citizens objectives in the forefront of thier minds, rather an oligarchy of the power-focused which seek to limit our freedoms in the name of protecting us.
George Orwell's words seem to echo my point:
Part of the reason for this [inefficiency at ruling] was that in the past no government had the power to keep its citizens under constant surveillance. The invention of print, however, made it easier to manipulate public opinion, and the film and the radio carried the process further. With the development of television, and the technical advance which made it possible to receive and transmit simultaneously on the same instrument, private life came to an end. Every citizen, or at least every citizen important enough to be worth watching, could be kept for twenty-four hours a day under the eyes of the police and in the sound of official propaganda, with all other channels of communication closed. The possibility of enforcing not only complete obedience to the will of the State, but complete uniformity of opinion on all subjects, now existed for the first time. --George Orwell,
1984
Guy Who Reinstated Death Penalty Dies
I just read that
Justice White died. I confess I didn't know much about Justice White. He was a Kennedy liberal they say. He didn't seem to like gays and he opposed abortion rights. I thought the most interesting thing about him was that he voted to reinstate the death penalty in 1976. I was curious how many people had been executed since then. The number is
764. I don't have much of an opinion on the death penalty. I suppose I'm glad it's there. Hate to think that they got the wrong guy sometimes though. I'd hate to be that guy.
Tax Day USA
I just paid my taxes. It was fairly easy, see I just have the one job. I did some simple arithmetic -no big whoop, even got some money back. I was elated for a half-second until I realized that I really overpaid and that's why I'm receiving instead of giving more. Wouldn't it be great if you could actually follow the individual dollars that you give to the government? An individual dollar of mine might start out slow, sit in a coffer for a while, a secret account only the government knows about. Then it would be whisked away by an appropriation decree by Congress. Most likely it would go into the manufacture of a
bomb or a large helicopter. Maybe it would go to fund the summer internship of a young person working for the Senate, or maybe it would fund some risqué art that the NEA liked. No matter how you slice it, it's not how I would spend it, and that is the problem with government. It's like giving money to a homeless guy who you know will just spend it on booze, or worse, a tasteless housewife who will just go to Target and buy bad plastic bathroom accoutrements. There's no way around it really, it's just the price you pay to be an American, whatever that means.
BTW, Capt., your Mac fonts look fine.
CAPT Heinous on WORLD PEACE
Well, I think I must be some sort of simpleton or perhaps just a redneck. I really don't understand what all the fuss is about in the Middle East. My understanding is that this whole nonsense is some sort of territorial holy war. Well if religion is involved, I just don't get it.
I mean, when the Lord's Day rolls around, my decisions are ususally fairly straightforward. First, I have to get rid of the awful pain that a fifth of Mandarin Vodka and Red Bull left when it collided with my liver. Then, Lord willing, I need to decide where to do my worship. Now, if I feel like singing with my brothers and sisters of the cloth, with a lot of greeting, hand-shaking, and story telling, I will go to a Baptist service. If I smell a little too much like a hijacked Jaegermeister truck and want to keep a lower profile, I will go Methodist. Here you can sing while sitting and get in and out without too much personal communication, but at a price of higher offerings. Now if I really look wrecked, I can blend in perfectly at the Episcopalian service, where everyone else looks wrecked too. If I am STILL wrecked, I can just bump over to a Catholic mass and everyone will understand, and perhaps even feel sorry for me. If I just don't care, I can blow it off and wait till next Saturday and go to the synagogue.
What I do know, however, is that in this decision, there are no turf wars between the rival factions fighting for my presence. There are certainly no guns wielded or lives lost because I did not show up to their service this week. What the hell are these idiots in the Middle East so pissed off about?
SCAR TISSUE
Wisked away in a cloud, but not a shroud. Only during a secondary moment were we not aware of our situational progress. Our plight was followed as if in a vacuum until WHOOSH, everything became so clear. Back to complete comprehension, apprehension, and the task at hand. Everything is so less complicated when there is absolutely no control. Not anarchy, but more like the infant at a funeral. The guests are really the ones in pain, in limbo. The infant and the dead are in bliss, and not mutually exclusive as the soul is passed on as a new sapling in the fertilizer fo truth.
GREETINGS FROM AFAR
First of all, my sincere apologies to those of you reading this and saying, why the stupid font? This is an Apple computer and it is not readily apparent to a PC user how to change it, but I will get to that later. My comments:
USDA GangRape/Cotillion 2002 - Well what can I say? I do recall back to a Human Sexuality professor in the psychology department that once said, "You can't rape the willing." I guess this applies here. But my really inquisitive side wants to know what the Cotillion 2002 venue smelled like? There must have been some sort of powerful funk going on in there!
F O R . I M M E D I A T E . R E L E A S E
Löwbar Produkkten launk "www.lowbar.com" Web-seite
Neu-siete featernn Eichenland Aes Fanseite, "Aesfanzen"
Löwbar Produkkten todae anuuncen reliz auf Inturnett Seite "
www.lowbar.com!" Dis seite päkken mit faeke niewz, inseite aggroganz, confuzzeren Comikk, Instäentmessageniconzlink, vizuel und sonik aerts, und mad-caep hi-jinkz! Hoebber, link mit muk Deutsch-intarest ist
Aesfanzen, stoopid Amerikäner pattetik attempten forntt Deustch-länkwigg Fanseite von favoritt Kalifornnen Baeskugel Mannschaft - "Oakland Athletics" aer "Oakland A's." Ich kall id das treu "Homaggen-Hoempaggen"!
Aftur pureusen, Ju mae thinkken Autors seriuss Krakzproblemm haben. Nein! Dies ist gut hoel-sum Amerikaner mit creativ-spirittz und Tiemwaesten. De haben muk Lieben forntt Eichenland, Aes, Aesfanzen, Aeshanden, BMW autowagons, und, most auf ul, Deutsch-vizitten! De haben muk Haete forntt das füken Yanken, Jaeson Giambbi, und Chikzen mit Mindz-clozden. Und füken das Toyotas!
Seite ulso haben logg forntt lieve Insaen-watksczen. Und craezen Autor mit syfilis, "Captain Heinous." Ist moer funn daen Oktoberfest!
Achtung: Ju vizitten "
http://www.lowbar.com" todaiz!
On RugbyGangRape/Cotillion 2002...
I asked myself the same question: What was in the CD player while RugbyGangRape/Cotillion 2002 was going down? It's kind of a sick thought, trivial but somehow very important. Something like Barry White is out of the question. It had to be some incendiary riff like Rage Against the Machine's, Killing in the Name.
The SDSU Rugby
team website has a enlightening quote.
“Coming Together is a Beginning... Keeping Together is Progress... Working Together is Success...”
Here's a
picture of the fine thugs.
On Nahas...The cons and pros of "weed" use can be debated for minutes, maybe hours, and I'm certainly not a knowledgable subject in this matter. Personally, I think there are plenty of stupid people in the world already, but anything you can do to hinder your motivation only helps me, so keep on tokin'! I don't see the point.
However, if any of you think you drive better while high, be it with the help of "herb" or your mom's anti-perspirant, please
e-mail me so I can smash your face with a piñata stick.
Taste a panda's ass.
On HH's Comments Regarding SDSU Rugby Rapes...Howie should reconsider how he would approach the situation if he had less repulsive male friends. I mean, I can undertand how he would be scared off by the sight of Crazychuck and myself going to town.
On a more serious note, though...to me, nothing makes a woman more repulsive than knowing one of my friends has been there. Call it honor among thieves. This is wholly irrational, I suppose, but it at least dictates I wouldn't have been inclined to jump in as a participant.
I'm a pretty rough and tumble person, but I never have assoicated violence and sex...that is, the two would never cross paths in my mind or actions. There was nothing erotic about that scene to me at all. No arousal.
Its interesting to me that HH, certainly a more gentle (though more incendiary) person than I, had a 'thought ride' to go through on this one. My ride was about 2 seconds long as to whether I would participate. Whether or not I would break it up, however, would be another story, I'm ashamed to say. I'd probably just walk out, unless it was utterly clear that what was going on was defnitely non-consensual...I probably wouldn't have hung around long enough to figure it out. Once again, I suck.
The amazing story of Dr. Gabriel Nahas
Dr. Nahas headed up a research project at Columbia University that was set up up to prove the harmful effects of marijuana. His reports were scary: marijuana could actually kill you or cause you to crash your jet airplane. Years later, Columbia University held a press conference to publically disassociate itself from Dr. Nahas. Read the
whole sordid tale.
Last night I had a dream that someone was telling me that anitdepressants alter your reality by giving you selective hallucinations of varied objects. For example, if I were to look out over a park then I would see some trees as being these wild surreal shapes, while others would be normal. All of this would have an effect of confusing the depressed individual and thus occupying their otherwise depressed mind. A search on the Internet for such a use for antidepressants resulted in this recipe for .
getting high off of Arrid XX.
This site gets my vote for best name:
I am a Gaytard God
Not much content on this one but the design is good. This post from April 9th tells it all:
yeah mother fucker its working now =] I AM THE CLIT COMMANDER!@~!~!!!!!
SDSU sued over sexual assault
I saw this headline today on the San Diego Union Tribune website. The story went on to say, "Two University of California Berkeley students who say they were raped by members of the San Diego State University rugby team a year ago are suing SDSU and the bar where they met some of the men." This seemed innocent enough. Then there was the 'MORE' button leading into the rest of the story. I clicked in and read how these two (underage) Berkeley women met two SDSU rugby players last year in a bar. Before you know it, panties and outdated Abercrombie and Fitch boxers are flying and the two boys are engaging in sexual intercourse with the two, probably intoxicated, "ladies." So far it sounds like it is consenual, at least the two co-eds are not claiming there was any wrongdoing, in fact they were probably having a good time, but that is neither here nor there.
Then the problem happens: since they were a travelling rugby ream, and since they were at the team's hotel, other rugy players (six of them!) rushed in and had their way with the women. As a humane person I was outraged. I imagine a loved one in the same situation. I would demand vengence. My anger would burn. Then the beast in me spoke. I imagined the scene: everyone's drunk, my friends are laughing, two drunk girls are naked, maybe they are enjoying it. What would I do? What decision would I make?
I find the scene arousing and repulsive at the same time. A chord that does not sit well with me. I feel as though I could fall down the slopes of either sentiment leading me to completely different life paths. I know how I would feel afterward. I would loath myself. My stomach would be twisted, my head would ache for weeks. I would turn into a shell. But how would I act in that moment under those circumstances?
I click off the article. "Forgetting about it is the best thing," I think. I dive into another web site. I make a couple phone calls. My mind ignores the finger-ribbing thought in my head that says "Think on the rape story. Spend some thought on it. I'm not going away. Hey! Over Here!" I think on it again. I entertain the thought. That is, I let it entertain me. Where will this thought virus go? To what corners will it wend its way, arriving at conclusions along its path like a pinball hits bumpers on its way down.
Overall conclusion: I wouldn't do it. I'd break it up. I'd fight my friends. I'd help the girls.
The conclusion isn't the important part. I already knew the answer, I suppose. The thought-ride was the interesting part. That's where I made up my mind. I thought it through, line by line. I had then convinced myself and I had done it through the careful study of each nuance. It didn't take long. Only about 20 minutes.
Apparently, I Suck
Can I be stupid for a minute?
I'm looking at a half-empty glass,
waiting for the waiter.
You don't have to listen to this,
just tell me what to say.
Notes on "Evolutionary Follies"
The answer to any evolutionary question is quite simple:
The Complete Evolution of Living Beings
Plankton >> Brine Shrimp >> Sturgeon >> Walrus >> Dog/Wolf >> Lions >> Funny monkeys! >> Human >> Navy SEAL >> Ron Chun, Candidate for SF County Assessor.
Honorable Mention: Eagle, Sea Horse, Mammoth, Miniature Pony.
Does Not Actually Exist: Giraffe, Most Insects.
Evolutionary Follies
On a completely unrelated subject: I don't do much of that TV-watching, but somehow this show "Combat Missions" ended up on my television. I've started half-paying attention to it and it may be one of the funnier things I've seen. The new Simpsons was also good.
Speaking of things combative...I'm all for special forces and SEALs and the like. These are people with astounding physical and mental capabilities. Whether or not you 'agree with' whatever actions our government takes and whatnot, they have done more for you than you ever will for them. That being said, I always have a little chuckle to myself when I hear the term "genetic elite" used to describe them (heard it today, actually). Wouldn't a genetically superior being have enough of a self-preservation instinct to not volunteer (and work incredibly hard for the opportunity) to be inserted between every life-threatening rock and hard place that arises from geopolitical insanity? While some elite physical specimen with a 150 IQ meets his untimely end overseas, I'm in Southern California spreading around my shit DNA with reckless abandon.
Well, not really reckless abandon any more, or even cautious abandon...but I don't want to ruin my shtick with my new and exciting adventures in monogamy (another evolutionarily disadvantageous behavior, but I digress...)
NEWSFLASH: The Captain Wins the Lottery
Today in Arlington, VA, the now defamous Captain Heinous purchased the winning multi-state Power Ball lottery ticket, the $90 million to be awarded April 2, 2002. Unfortunately for all other would be consumers, this news must come as a tragic loss to a hope not met by many but a few. The Captain thanks you for your patronage but strongly suggests that you refrain from asking for handouts.
.SVG: just
download it and stop yer belly-aching.
HH self importance: what else is new?
LMC42 as image title: Was on mind at that moment.
LMC42: Lame (granted)
Howie Hardcore for Congress: Local SF write-in campaign underway.
Quick Review of Hardcore Art:Weird-ass .svg file types:
LameContinued HH self-importance:
OutstandingLmc42 as image title:
LameLmc42:
LameBagley for SF City Council:
Above Average
