Shameless Plug
I've just launched
Poppedout.com, a site that will act as a outlet (other than Lowbar) for my artsy-fartiness and will also give all the SVG geeks out there something to look at on an almost-daily basis.
Summer Break with Bella and Janina
On a steamy afternoon in Hannover, Germany, two young girls decide to slip into something comfotable and see who is online. Low and behold, it turns out that these two, nubile, horny, pseudo-sluts, run into Captain Heinous online! Excerpts of the transcription follow:
Kickie1985: hallo :-*
CaptainHeinous: uh hi
Kickie1985: na wie gehts süßer
CaptainHeinous: sprechenzie inglais?
Kickie1985: bist du shit
CaptainHeinous: bist du shit
Kickie1985: ne you shit
CaptainHeinous: lump
Kickie1985: pump
CaptainHeinous: how do you say trick ass mother fucker in deutch?
CaptainHeinous: cuz thats what vu ist
Kickie1985: ja ja fuck doch your mother its schon ok
Kickie1985: you are a very good english stupid boy
CaptainHeinous: you're german pussy is smelling up my computer
Kickie1985: ok lass uns speak german
Kickie1985: :-)
CaptainHeinous: lol
CaptainHeinous: where r u?
Kickie1985: janina und bella and you
CaptainHeinous: Captain Heinous
Kickie1985: ok we are blond
Kickie1985: you are my bitch
CaptainHeinous: so bella and janina, do you like to party?
Kickie1985: yes we like partys where?
Kickie1985: we are from top secrect
CaptainHeinous: you are from top secret?
CaptainHeinous: where is that?
Kickie1985: top secrect isv a puff
Kickie1985: your are a very old man
CaptainHeinous: i am a VERY old man
CaptainHeinous: 16 can get me into trouble in this country
CaptainHeinous: we had better have sex in Sweden
Kickie1985: we come at hannover
Kickie1985: bikes( motorrad)
Kickie1985: we are not slups
CaptainHeinous: you don't like sex?
Kickie1985: we like sex
CaptainHeinous: u do?
Kickie1985: you are perverted
Kickie1985: ok we are 18and we make gogo dance
Kickie1985: not stripping
Kickie1985: sorry we can a little bit english not so good
CaptainHeinous: ok
bella
janina
It's begining to look a lot like prison
WASHINGTON –– The Supreme Court approved random drug tests for many public high school students Thursday, ruling that schools' interest in ridding their campuses of drugs outweighs an individual's right to privacy. The Court further stipulated that students will now wear orange jumpsuits as part of a nation-wide school uniform program. Student councils will be done away with and if grievances are to be aired to the faculty, students will be given the right to have an attorney present or have one appointed for them. The hours for 8am to 4pm will be known as "lockdown" and no student may leave the campus during this time. Principals will now be known as "wardens" and will be paid from the newly created department, Office of Juvenile Discipline, a division of the FBI. Students caught using drugs will be sentenced to more years of school.
Pissed about the Pledge?SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - Taking a hammer to one of the pillars of U.S. civic society, a federal appeals court ruled on Wednesday it was unconstitutional to ask schoolchildren to recite the Pledge of Allegiance and vow fealty to one nation "under God."Maybe I just grew up all liberal and such, but did anyone actually have the words "under God" in the pledge they were asked to say at school? It was always "one nation, indivisible, with liberty..." for us.
Frankly, I don't see pledging allegiance "under God" as being much worse than a school-sponsored pledging allegiance to the U.S. flag. If we are going to make a weak attempt to brainwash children in this manner, let's make them pledge to use condoms and not commit violent crimes for the rest of their lives.
Revised morning pledge:I pledge allegiance
to myself
and to the general success of the species.
I will require that a condom be worn before a penis is inserted into me,
and will in turn don a condom before inserting my penis into others.
I will not do physical harm onto other human beings;
I will instead attempt to ridicule and belittle them, causing pants-pissing;
or perhaps I will just beat a dog,
stray or otherwise.
With liberty and justice for all.
Photos of Future Famous People
All the debauchery of the First Grade Film Fest can be found
here. Can you spot the soon-to-be-famous actor/director that plays the dancing
ape in Curbed Enthusiasm?
A heartfelt thanks to First Grade Film Festival attendees
I'd like to thank everyone who braved the price of admission, heat lamps and Tuesday morning hangovers to attend the First Grade Film Festival at Foreign Cinema in SF last night. The turnout was exceptional (standing room only), and I appreciate everyone's patience in waiting through the technical difficulties that got the screenings off to a late start (for whoever's curious, a faulty power strip was the culprit).
Thanks for being an incredible crowd with drop-dead good looks, great taste and a magnetic personality. Would you like to go out to dinner this weekend?
While you ponder your plans for this weekend and formulate an excuse for refusing to go out to dinner with me, let me offer you the following list:
First Grade Film Festival Firsts
First ever First Grade Film Festival
First public screening of Curbed Enthusiasm
First time I have ever been asked for an autograph
First time a raffle has ever been broken up by the cops
First time I have ever drank whiskey without vomiting
First time I have seen any movie other than "Goonies"
Thank you, thank you, thank you all, and please continue to be fantastic. Support filmmakers with no money, crazy ambitions and unique ideas. Better yet, pick up a camera and become one of these filmmakers... it's fun and you will always have a venue to show your work as long as the First Grade Film Festival is around.
If you have suggestions, questions, comments or cat-calls, feel free to send in your frank feedback about the festival and films -- e-mail klontt@lowbar.com and boy@firstgradefilmfest.com. We'll post your feedback here, on this Web page, accessible via the Internet software on your computer.
Thanks again and remain awesome, you goddamned geniuses.
As seen in The San Francisco Bay Guardian pg. 80
It takes two: Ben Peyser's "Layme Boys" plays as part of the First Grade Film Fest, screening Mon/24 at Foreign Cinema.
Fer more info:
First Grade Film Fest,
Foreign Cinema.
Also Good
>
Good
Achtung, Bay Area Lowbar and/or Film Enthusiasts and/or Alcoholics!On June 24, the
First Grade Film Fest will be on and poppin' at
Foreign Cinema, 2534 Mission. It looks like it is going to be a wonderful event...particularly for those who have not yet given up on the idea that fun and art can happily co-exist. Showcasing early works from some of America's greatest filmmakers, and with a bar renowned for making drinks stiffer than a submariner in Thailand, this is an event you don't want to miss. Who knows...you might just see a
Lowbar Entertainment release on the big screen, or perhaps one from our partners in crime,
Standard Quality Productions.
Tickets to this fantabular event are cheap and can be purchased
here.
FBI Takes Rocket Enthusiast/Terrorists Into Custody
ROCHESTER, NY Members of the Monroe Astronautical Rocket Society (MARS) of Rochester, NY were dumbfounded yesterday when FBI agents stormed their weekly meeting at the Denny's on Route 32 and took into custody one of their long-time members, Ray Halm and his son, Ray Jr. The two model rocket enthusiasts are being held on charges that they are conspiring to take down a commercial aircraft with one of their homemade "Fat Boy" model rockets. These arrests come in the wake of a German report that Al Qaida terrorists are planning on using remote control airplanes and model rockets to attack commercial jets. Andy Schecter, lifetime friend of the Halms, was completely perplexed at the arrests. "I've been at most, if not all of Ray's launches, and I can tell you right here and now that there was never any airliners in sight." When asked how difficult it would be to hit a commercial aircraft with a model rocket, Mr. Schecter added, "That would be harder than hittin' the exhaust shaft of the Death Star. Those guys were the best but they weren't no Luke Skywalker X-wing fighter pilots." Ray and Ray Jr. were being held without bond and have not been given access to their attorney.
Lowbar Exclusive: Big "Dirty" Bird Caught in Twisted Porn Plot
The government, which on Monday revealed Big Bird's arrest, described the move as a significant blow against the underground porn industry and it revealed details on how Big Bird planned to broadcast pictures of himself naked and in indecent positions subliminally through the Children's Television Network. Authorities described Big Bird as a former gang member from Sesame Street who was raised Catholic but converted to Zoroastrianism.
They said the alleged scheme went only as far as the planning stages. Undersecretary of State John Bolton indicated Big Bird was carrying various nude black and white glossies of himself which he was planning on airing when he was picked up in Billings, Montana.
"We have a bird detained who is a threat to our children and that thanks to the vigilance of our intelligence gathering and law enforcement he is now off the streets, where he should be," President Bush said.
Dirty birds, in this case, Big "Dirty" Bird would not create an overt exposure of himself, but he could release small amounts of pornographic material over a few episodes. Experts believe the most devastating effect would be the ensuing panic and the sudden rise in bird drawings that preschoolers would sketch with crayons.
In an unusual legal twist, the Justice Department handed over the Sesame Street born Big Bird to the Pentagon for indefinite imprisonment as an "enemy pornstar." Government lawyers cited a 1817 Supreme Court ruling permitting such a transfer. Big Bird had been held quietly for weeks in New York City, then was flown Monday aboard a military C-130 plane to a Navy brig in Charleston, S.C. Where he will spend the rest of his existence.
"We have acted with legal authority both under the decency laws set forth by our great Supreme Court during the Monroe administration, which establish that the military may detain a United States citizen who has joined a porn ring and had seriously thought about exposing himself, if even for a nanosecond on national television," Attorney General John Ashcroft said.
A U.S. official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the apparent time of airing of the so called Dirty Bird porn was to be during a Sesame Street reunion between the Cookie Monster's "cookie mayhem" skit and the "Oscar the Grouch gets a ingrown toenail removed" bit. Speaking at a news conference, Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz said the scheme was "still in the initial planning stage," and that although Big Bird "didn't have any broadcast skills, he did own a Mac and liked to watch and edit QuickTime movies."
Wolfowitz said Tuesday on CBS' "The Early Show" that officials do not believe Big Bird had access to the television control room to broadcast himself. "To the best of our knowledge, there was not any way he could actually carry this out. This was shoddy planning at best."
Report of event worth mentioning
Location: Video-game arcade, New York New York Hotel & Casino Las Vegas.
Key players: Fat man in replica New York Yankees jersey, shorts.
Background information: After driving from the Bay Area to Las Vegas (a 10-hour trip) and arriving in Vegas at midnight, a friend and I refuse to go to sleep. Nauseous and hallucinating from sleep deprivation, we fork out $12 each to ride the New York New York roller coaster at 10 am. In our mental state, the coaster ride barely registers as a thrill. Had we seen them, the novelty photos taken of the coaster passengers during the first big drop may well have shown us to be asleep. While exiting the coaster ride through the video arcade, however, we stumble upon a change machine with a gleaming mountain of $20 in unattended quarters in its coin tray. We grab a bucket and take the doubloons over to the Skee-Ball(TM) ramps. We score several hundred tickets.
Procedural complications leading to event: Neither my friend nor I have been in a video arcade in a decade. Arcades are very technologically advanced these days. For instance, one must first feed all game tickets into a machine that counts them and prints out a statement. This printed statement is what one must bring to the awards counter to claim your (assortment of) prize(s). Taking your tickets directly to the counter is a strict no-no.
Event in question: While waiting in line for prizes, raw Skee-Ball(TM) tickets in hand, my friend and I hear a sing-songy,
Friends-catch-phrasesque "Helloooooooo?"
We look over and see a fat man in a replica Yankees jersey and shorts. He is not in line. He is standing behind the line, surveying it for procedural errors. He is not an employee of New York New York Hotel & Casino. He has apparently taken it upon himself to become a vigilante information booth and regulator of prize-claiming.
"Uh... the ticket machines are over there." My friend and I then see the machines and start to walk towards them. "Hellooooooo??" the fat man repeats.
As we head towards the machines, the fat man rolls his eyes, and, to no one in particular, pinches his right thumb and index finger together, raises it to his lips and faux-inhales. In doing so, he is suggesting that my friend and I had been smoking marijuana cigarettes.
Insinuated fact: If a person is unaware of the tickets-for-prizes exchange procedure at a video arcade, that person is under the influence of narcotics.
Result of event: My friend and I decide we should go to sleep.
Humans Taste Like Pork
Speaking at the World Pork Expo, at the Iowa State Fairgrounds, in Des Moines,Iowa today, President Bush introduced his new nominee for EPA Director. Calling him “Sparky”, Bush produced an entity from the planet “Xercron 232-32” that resembles a 2-foot diameter, floating ball of light. Bush said that this was the first step in revamping his entire cabinet with his “little friends from outer space.” Bush further added that the aliens have been of great assistance to him in the past especially during the Florida Presidential vote tally and helping him navigate through sticky foreign relations issues like knowing how to pronounce wife of Vladimir Putin, Lyudmila Putin’s, name. Bush said the aliens first approached him while he was Governor of Texas and that they quickly gained his trust when they produced a book titled “How to Serve Man”, written in an unknown language but having the appearance of many compiled recipies.
What to Respect / What to Reject this SummerWhips A Donkey With A Beltt
| Put Under Furniture Legs Like Feltt
|
| Belize | Costa Rica |
| Saenz | Giambi(s) |
| Fäeke-Germannen | zutreffend Deutsch | |
| Samsung | Motorolla |
| Hilarious Lowbar News! | Disenchanted Lowbar real news commentary! |
| Vioxx followed by binge drinking | Binge drinking followed by barbiturates |
| Ambien | Seconal |
| Friends finishing med school & residency | Buying drugs in Tijuana |
| Rubber-nubbed cock-rings | Condoms |
| Shifty-truck BMW skateboard | Silver BMWs |
| Cheering for Belgium in World Cup | Playing for Belgium in World Cup |
| Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder | Sexually Transmitted Diseases |
| Diet and exercise | B-12 shots in ass |
| Being fat, soft, drunk, and happy | Diet and exercise |
| Hatefucks | Cosmo butterfly |
| Housesitting for rich people | Being rich |
| Wide urethra | Cleft asshole |
| Triple Crown | Crown Royal |
| Bombay & Tonic | Red Bull & Mandarin |
| Taking Pills | Paying Bills |
| Stealing Car With Cousin | Riding in Cars with Boys |
| Wendy's buys out Baja Fresh | Wendy's fresh little taco |
| Waxing that ass | Waxing that Buick |
| Orderly pedestrian conduct | People walking in a row and blocking sidewalk |
| Anus-scorching diet of coffee and cigarettes | The bottom of a poorly-mixed glass of Citrucel |
| Drinking martini as if it was a shot | Shooting up vermouth as if it was the cure for anthrax |
| Sterling Marlin | Ricky Rudd |
Yasser Retorts
WASHINGTON - Exiling Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat would not help bring peace to the Middle East, a White House spokesman said Thursday, hours after Israeli troops shelled Arafat's headquarters and blew a hole in his bedroom wall.
White House spokesman Sean McCormack agreed. "I don't think exiling Arafat solves anything," he said. "The issue is building Palestinian institutions and in the process, bringing the Palestinian people into the building of these institutions."
Wednesday, the White House questioned Arafat's trustworthiness and pledged to increase contacts with a new generation of Palestinian leaders who may be more willing to curb terrorism.
White House spokesman Ari Fleischer emphasized that "in the president's eyes, Yasser Arafat has never played a role of someone who could be trusted or who was effective."
Arafat meanwhile was touring the damage of his bedroom with reporters and was heard to shout “They blew up my fucking bed! What if I had been asleep here?! Can you believe this shit?! Damn they’re getting close! What’s next? They blow up my Jacuzzi?! Damn, shit, damnit!
Emperor Ashcroft
Attorney General John Ashcroft has outraged Arab and immigration groups, by invoking a little used law that will allow the U.S. government to fingerprint, photograph and register as many as 100,000 visitors a year -- most of them Middle Eastern men. In an interview on "This Week" Ashcroft went on to explain that if these new measures did not contain the influx of terrorist that he would then employ a little used "Jedi Mind Trick". He then focused "Dark Side" energy towards This Week host, George Stephanopoulos, causing the host to double over, clutch his throat and gasp for air.
Read My Sign
Speaking to reporters today outside the National Security Agency, President Bush outlined a new initiative to have the main focus of all future speeches made into banners and placed behind his head. During today's speech Bush declared that the American People won't back down. He then added they never have and furthermore that they never will. The new initiative was met with a positive response from the press corps which admitted that the President's speeches sometimes loose their thread midway through and that this would help them report on what the White House wants them to communicate and not focus on the President's quirky idiosyncrasies.
Hardcore songs VII
Stingray ay ay ay ay ay.
And in other news...
Forget the impending nuclear war between India and Pakistan, there's a war or aesthetics going on as well between the two countries. In the annual Burn Your Enemy Leader competition both countries have shown that they've got what it takes to make the other side feel hated. Entries were judged in three categories: Mean chant culminating into inaudible blabbering, lighting of effigy technique, and the swinging effigy in crowd manuever. India scored strong in the first two categories but lost points when the flame from the effigy burnt through the flimsy rope holding it up causing the likeness to fall on the ground unviewable by the crowd. The India team tried to pick up the burning mass with their bare hands but they were just badly burned causing the judges to deduct further points. The Pakistan team showed that experience counts and their tried-and-true metal chain technique proved to be the clincher. Upon learning of their victory, the Pakistanis lit three more effigies those of Shaquille O'Neal, Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson, chanting "the Lakers are the real terrorists!" The crowd then broke up into small games of pick-up basketball.
 |  |
| Pakistani Team | India Team |
Smarter Guy, Same Result
You cited: "...it's just too easy to walk onboard a commercial airliner with a sharpened pencil and take out a flight attendant" as a main reason a terrorist attack is probable. In the same sentence you fault the FBI and CIA's shortcomings. Yet you seem to feel that anything the government tries to do to empower itself (be it the CIA, FBI, what have you) to invade your precious civil liberties...to take that freshly sharpened pencil from your hand before you get on the plane...should be curtailed. It's unfortunate to hear that the juvenile and misguided commercial you described (I agree it sucks) bothered you so. As someone with an IQ well over 100, and, I would have to assume, well over yours, I would say that taking away a little freedom is a damn good place to start. Lobbing complaints at organizations, investigations, and chains of events that you know nothing about? Save it for the Bread Not Bombs meeting.
For the record, I don't think that tying terrorism and drugs together in an effort to get kids to stop doing drugs is ludicrous at all. As an advertiser, you go with what's hot. You know that. So tying drugs to terrorism to create the desired response in the kids is no different than tying Vodka-branded malt beverages to sex in an effort to create the desiered sales among the coveted 21-34 upper middle class demographic.
If you want to try to assign facts to it, which I know you don't (facts are generally the enemy of the opinionated)....reports published BEFORE Sept 11 indicated that an estimated 70-plus percent of the world's heroin originated in Afghanistan in 2000. It's a major cash crop over there, and we know Afghanistan, though in no way the sole source of terrorists, certainly fed a few into the system. Heroin addiction is a curse I would not wish on my worst enemies...having seen people close to me struggle with it, I can tell you it's brutal. Simple fact of the matter is that almost everyone who tries heroin, over 98% of the people who do, have tried other illicit drugs first. So if you extrapolate that way, the PSA has some validity to it.
But, like I said, it's just crappy advertising. Don't take it so personally.
Next week, we're going to install a robotic genius president at Cadbury's Confection Company, after the CEO blatantly misled us with that chicken-sounding rabbit in an attempt to unload some candy eggs.
Just say "no" to Terrorists
I saw a commercial last night. It was an anti-drug commercial and it went like this: Face shot of a young woman. She speaks to the camera. "Last night my friends and I went out to a club, did some drugs and helped bomb a crowded restaurant." The voiceover then states that doing drugs helps fund terrorist organizations. I felt like retching. Tying the two together to get kids to stop doing drugs is ludicrous. Our government is going to overplay this terrorist thing and in the process they will trivialize it. You can't say all social ills are tied to terrorism, the message will loose its punch after a while.
My girlfriend asked me what I would write to the ad agency that did that commercial. I responded, rather than get into an argument with them about how they might be wrong, or how they might be giving some unstable individuals out there ideas about blowing up crowded restaurants, I would tell them the thing that would hurt them the most and that is that they lack creativity. That ad showed no brainpower behind it and they should be ashamed to generate such dribble. I say the same to Attorney General John Ashcroft. John, you can take away our rights left and right in the name of combating terrorism but the fact is the Feds are incapable of stopping idiots from doing idiotic things either by the FBI/CIA's own shortcomings or because it's just too easy to walk onboard a commercial airliner with a sharpened pencil and take out a flight attendant. Rather than take away our freedoms, how about using some brainpower. And if you don't have the gray cells (and we all know you don't) how about stepping aside and let someone with an IQ above 100 take over?
Colima's Gonna Blow
I used to live right by this volcano. It is always smoking. Now it is causing earthquakes and there is some lava flow. Scientists predict that this week it'll blow its top.
