Art Career Update
Wow all this paintball talk is truly, um... scary. I will sleep less soundly knowing the Captain is a master at disappearing. I recommend some Bowling for Columbine viewing for y'alls. So my first real art show went well, thanks for asking. Lots of people were there (around 400). There was good music and lots of great art. I even got some serious inquiries about buying some of my art. I'll let you know how that goes but it looks like I'll be selling my first piece of work to a bartender at BrainWash who was admiring my prints as I was hanging them this afternoon. As I've gotten into this I've been pretty astounded at the reception. There is a great art scene here and that helps out a lot. I've got one show currently going on at BrainWash on Folsom Street (between 7th and 8th St.), hope to add another show at ASAP Cafe and then I have another show at Fuse on the 1st of January, which will run the entire month. It's been fun and a lot of work to do all of the preparation but so far the rewards have been great.
The Captain-as-a-Lieutenant Heinous Paint ball Strategy Part 2
Tactics - I am a fast runner, but big in stature (implying easy to see/hard to hide), so I was always on the squad that involved the "runners." Runners are the ones that specifically go for the flag, in fact I even played with some folks where the runners were not even armed. I have been a runner too, which requires a 40-50 yard spint, followed by a jog until location spotted and enemy avoided, and finally an all-out dead sprint to grab the flag and return the 250-200 yards to home base. All the while you are sprinting in groups, 2-3, because if the one with the flag gets hit, the flag goes back. But if the runner with the flag hands off before he gets hit, it is like a lateral in football and the new runner takes off. What I like to do more is when I hear the signal, go into a flat-out sprint 1/3 the way up the combat zone and then disappear. I literally become the Predator and blend into the environment around me. I wait until the enemy front lines pass by me and watch them walk away towards my home base. Then I wait for their backups to ease in, usually settling in the middle zone, and if I am lucky they walk past me too. Then the fun begins. By this time 20-30 minutes have passed and there are fire fights going on elsewhere, so no one suspects a rogue sniper. I sneak out and blast anyone close by and then sprint towards their flag. Usually, I can get away, but I do not go near their defense zone, I wait for the back up guys to catch up and blast my way out of that. They usally go back to their flag thinking there is a run on it, so I sneak back and take up my hiding position. Then it sarts over again.
I love this game and need to play again. Also on Ape's ammo-less tactic, this absolutely works like a charm. I once had a standoff where I popped out of my aforementioned hiding spot and my gun jammed with a lodged ball. It made a noise like a shot so he figured I fired and missed. Well the other guy was empty so we stood there and threatened each other. I acted like I was reloading and he then gave up, so I had a kill/prisoner. Too cool.
Sorry to ramble, if you need more advice, you know where to find me. Then again, maybe you don't.
The Captain-as-a-Lieutenant Heinous Paint Ball Strategy Part 1
Wow, reading the war diary from Ape brought tears to my eyes as I remember the days, way back when, where I played Paint Ball probably twice or three times per year. It has indeed improved as a sport tremendously and it is indeed a complete nightmare to have the "pros" in your group. They do not make the day fun at all. Essentially for the newbies, the standard issue gun is, or was when I played last, a bolt action side-loader pistol. If you are lucky or want to borrow one, you may get issued the oversized ammo feeder that sends your load from 10 paint balls to nearly 100 in one fill. This would have helped Ape a great deal. Now the pros bring fancy hardware indeed. They are usually equipped with a top-load semi-automatic assault rifle. I have even been victim of a freaking AUTOMATIC machine-gun style jobbie that blew away 8 of us drunk frat boys before we knew what hit us. I might as well have dumped a can of paint over myself.
Now one note on Ape's experience that is worth sharing. Where I come from, a head shot DOES NOT count as a kill, safety reasons I guess. So if all you see is the person's head, don't take the shot. Pros do not play by this rule and it is frustrating. These guys are basically transplanted rednecks that have nothing better to do than relive the Nam days and pretend a kid wearing Timberlands and ripped jeans with a ball cap on backwards is a dirty slant-eyed nip thats goinna infiltrate our wire and throw a boobie-trapped baby at us for Charlie's cause. And that could ruin your day.
I always use the same equipment and tactics, and the Captain is a freaking master at "disappearing." I don't even wear camo to speak of, but good heavy clothes that I can run fast as shit in. Jeans, Sketchers (low ankle, heavy gauge tread, and lightweight), t-shirt, and a waterproof hooded pullover that is drab green. Now the drab green is a coincidence, but this pullover made by Cumberland Transit is the gem of close quarter combat with low-velocity projectiles. Basically another rule is that if the ball does not break, you ain't dead. This pullover not only is easy to clean if you do get paint-blasted, it actually absorbs the hit and many times keeps the ball from exploding, and therefore, not killing you...brilliant!
See Part 2
Worldwide Caution and a Shameless Plug
According to the US State Department, we are currently in a state of "
worldwide caution". This means we should be "vigilent", avoid congregating together and be wary of being kidnapped while travelling abroad. This "worldwide caution" supercedes the previous "worldwide caution" and is in effect until March of 2003. I'm getting the feeling here that the US Government is like a student who highlights an entire book with a day-glo marker rather than specific passages or sentences. The effect is that the student has not highlighted anything and their studying is fruitless. I say throw caution to the wind and congregate this Saturday from 7pm to 2am at the ArtSF 2nd year Birthday Bash, Somar Cultural Gallery- 934 Brannan St. San Francisco. I'll be having my first art show in years and I promise not to kidnap or maim you.
The most fun you can have while acquiring welts
This past weekend, I joined up with 20-plus other men for a game of "shoot the crap out of your friends with paintball guns in Vallejo for 6 hours." I had never fired a gun before, and I was a little nervous about the getting-hit-by-projectiles aspect of the game, but my trepidation quickly gave way to good times.
The first thing I noticed when I rolled up on
Paintball Jungle (their motto: "NO POISON OAK") was that I was either amongst people who were far too into it, that I was going to get shot up like a can on an Arkansas fence, or some combination of the two. I had on a long-sleeve gray shirt, a black t-shirt, a green cap and blue Adidas sweatpants with white racing stripes down the side. Nearly everyone else at the facility was in head-to-toe camouflage gear, backpacks equipped with multiple CO2 tanks and shiny, expensive-looking guns.
Luckily, none of those people were in my group. But I quickly learned that the racing stripes on my pants were going to make me an easy target.
We rented our equipment, tested our guns (projectile speed = 250 mph), split into two teams and headed into the forest. Once we started playing, the adrenaline took over. I was a little trigger-happy and ran out of ammo quickly, but a downed player on my team hooked me up with a refill. I got hit in the (begoggled) right eye about 3 minutes into the first game, which was actually pretty neat-o because I got to see the paintball bearing down on me before everything turned yellow. For a few seconds, I contemplated what the remainder of my head would have looked like if it was a real bullet, got goosebumps and then got ready for round two.
I ran out of ammo quickly again in game two, but hit two players on the other team in doing so. My first kills. Moments later, I was a lame duck, crouching behind a wall with no ammo and jumping up periodically to fire a few blanks at the other team. Tactics, see: I hoped it would bring them out of the cover for my teammates to shoot, but the opposition was onto my tricks. I got blasted above the left kneecap, which means I would now have one leg and a freakish face if I had survived the first shot in a real war.
I survived round three, but my role was basically to provide cover fire while the rest of my team infiltrated a fort.
In game four, my team had to defend the fort while the other team tried to infiltrate and kill us all. My color-blindness took over at this point -- I couldn't see any of them and just fired blindly at any spot noise was coming from. This gave my position away and led to the first bleeder of the day. A guy on the other team had a good shot at me while he charged in from the left and hit me on the left elbow and bare right hand from about 8 feet away. The paintballs exploded, and so did my hand. It stung and bled but got me all fired up. In the real world, I would now have no face, no left leg, no left arm and no right hand (and there's also a possibility that the point-blank shot that hit me in the left elbow would have tore right through my arm and into my rib cage had it been a real bullet).
I changed my guns-blazing strategy for the next two games, which were both Capture-the-Flag matches. My new technique was to move stealthily and refrain from firing until I could surprise somebody. It was effective, but I almost shot a teammate. Our team won handily, and I was a part of the 3-man force that pushed ahead and grabbed the flag. We celebrated and hollered like we had actually captured secret microfilm or some shit. Our team was finally beginning to "jell".
Then the next round took care of my right knee. I was now a headless stump. Miraculously, my torso was still unscathed. I took shots to the left and right kneecaps in the next couple of games, a testament to the visibility of my sweatpant racing stripes.
The last game took place in the thick jungle (or as close to it as you're gonna get in Vallejo). I had my best offensive performance of the day (three kills, plus an assist). I went out like a sucka, shot from about 15 feet away from the side while I was looking forward. The hits left nice, ever-expanding baseball-sized welts below my left shoulder blade. My torso was now gone.
I was no longer a virtual stump. I was just bits and pieces scattered throughout the forest, providing meat-eating forest vermin with a delicious meal.
Surprise of the day: None of the hits (except the bare-skin hand shot) hurt as much as my leg muscles over the past three days. Running around for 6 hours in a crouched position takes its toll on your quads.
Respect of the day: Infantry soldiers.
10 music artists I had forgotten about until I started typing this list
- Tesla
- 2 Hype Brothers and a Dog
- Nu Shooz
- The Fixx
- Son of Bazerk
- Klymaxx
- UTFO
- Rockwell
- Drivin' and Cryin'
- Oaktown's 357
NEWSFLASH
Captain Heinous keeps his wings!!! Yes, it's true, through trials and tribulations, the Captain will still be flying for Heinous Airways. Contact Lowbar management for scheduling and tickets.
Hey, what happened to this?
Lowbar Consulting
On June 1, 2001, we're taking over your life. For many of you, it isn't going to be pretty. Check lowbar.com often for details.
I'm still waiting for Lowbar to take over my life.
Nein Shugarr-Snak
Laediez und Gentlemanzen,
AesBlogg ist inn das MuderFuken Haus.
Thunderstool
I have stumbled upon what may be the apex of white trash-dom. They go 37 mph! Click the thumbnail to expose the glory that is THUNDERSTOOL!
Some ideas I have for movies, and if you steal them, we will hunt you down with our elaborate tracking software and let our howitzer take care of business
- A movie about secret casinos at the bottom of the sea, and it is called AquaGambleLand
- A movie about scantily clad female lawyers, and the name of it is Ooh La Law
- A movie about the second coming of Daniel Boone, who in his reincarnated form continues to fuck shit up on the trailblazing tip and resumes his post as the magistrate of the Femme Osage District in St. Charles County, Missouri. The working title for this one is Boone Again! and may be changed to Boone's Back!
- A movie about janitors on a cruise liner, and the name of it is Ship-Shape
- A movie about the adventures (... and misadventures!) of a dandy fop and his best friend the hobo, which is called Prim and Pauper
- A movie about some Native American hero-type guy, and it is called Upon the Wings of the Eagle
- A movie with a lot of car chases and explosions and stuff, and the name of it is Double-Barreled Justice
- A movie about a really important court case, and it is called A Question of Justice
- A touching foreign film about a young girl's coming of age, and it is called Koleta
- A movie about your mom, and it is called My Night of Extreme Sexual Ecstasy
- Planet of the Crepes
- Planet of the Shapes
- PlanAest of the Aes
- Ghostbusters 3: This Time The Black Ghostbuster Makes All The Jokes, And Most Of Them Involve Him Trying To Figure Out Whether He's Actually Seeing Ghosts Or If He's Just Really Stoned (Starring Chris Tucker)
Howie's Halloween Hints
Last night I had the pleasure of attending the infamous Castro Halloween street party. Like years past, the event was marked with hordes of people jammed onto Market street. I also attended some parties in and around the street party. My costume last night consisted of a large red box with red cups on the front and a box hat with a cup on that as well, I was a giant red Lego block. The ride into the Castro aboard the 22 Fillmore bus was especially amusing. My box was so wide I had difficulty exiting the bus. On the street I got lots of attention, shouts of "Legoman!" and "leggo my eggo" occured about every 30 seconds. Inside the parties however I found my box to rather constraining. I would have to find an out of the way alcove and park myself there for long durations of time. Dancing was out of the question. Back out on the street I was well suited for the environment, inside the party, inept. One major advantage to the box was the ability to urinate in public whilst avoiding detection. So a word to the wise this Halloween season when outside be bold, large and easily recognizeable. Indoors, go for subtleties and smaller costumes. Finally, masks are just plain freaky, leave those to the serial killers.
