Lowbar: 02/01/2003 - 03/01/2003

Thursday, February 20, 2003

Pac-Man is the winner

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

Exclusive Q&A With The Unidentified Man Found Suspiciously Loitering Near the Entrance of My Apartment Building

Lowbar: Hey, are you waiting for someone?
Man: Nah, what's it matter?
Lowbar: Just asking.
Man: Go fuck yourself.
Lowbar: Excuse me?
Man: You heard. Go 'n' fuck yourself.
Lowbar: You too. Have a nice day.
Man: Uh-huh. Shithead.

Friday, February 14, 2003

The whistle's got whoooooo when you want to woo-whooo. You s'posed to be up cookin breakfast by then anyway.

Big ups to Chris Oishi for these links, which solved the problem of "what the hell was that very loud UFO noise that woke me up at 4 a.m. this morning?" with impeccable timing.

First watch the video (Windows Media -- right-click & Save Target As...): http://chris1.6.darkbeats.net/wtf/car.wmv

Then visit the understandably large number of fan sites

Bubb Rubb and/or Li'l Sis for president(s).

Thursday, February 13, 2003

What Frankiegoestohollywood.com comes up with
I poured myself a margarita and for some reason decided to type "frankiegoestohollywood.com" into the address of my web browser. I then saw the ever familiar redirecting to another website when an actual one can't be found. That action, of being redirected to somewhere you don't want to go, has become the "fuck you, you're an idiot" of our day and age. Nothing makes me feel stupider than mistyping "google.com" and getting some third-rate search engine. Are they really making money at this stuff or is it just to piss people off? Anyway I typed in frankiegoestohollywood and I was redirected to MILFseeker.com. This is a site that has porn on it's front page. I immediately thought about the kids that are accidently sent here and how just viewing it would cause more damage to them than Pete Townsend's grandmother ever caused him. This site is all about seeking out Mother's I'd Like to Fuck (MILF) -a line from the movie American Pie. These guys have taken the idea and made it into a money making venture. They drive around in a mini van and have sex with random women. I'm sure money is exchanged because one is a balding hispanic guy who calls himself the cuban missle crisis and the other is a blonde idiot surfer type who is actually having the missle crisis due to his miniscule penis. How do I know all of this? Because I watched with great interest all of the sample clips they have and was greatly entertained. God bless the Internet!

How to temporarily alleviate terrorism-related stress and/or fear

Purchase the CD "Goin' Off" by Biz Markie.
Insert the CD into your compact disc player.
Set volume level to 7 or higher.
Press play.

If you already own the album: Ignore step #1.
If you do not have the full forty-seven minutes and nineteen seconds available in order to enjoy the album in its entirety: Listen to the songs "Pickin' Boogers," "Albee Square Mall," "Biz Is Goin' Off," "Make The Music With Your Mouth Biz," and "Nobody Beats The Biz."
For additional entertainment: Sing along to the "Go shopping" part in "Albee Square Mall."
The following items are unrelated:
- Think of the 5 most disgusting things possible. Word on the street is that these things are all eaten as a "delicacy" in some non-USA country.
- If the side-effect of having high-quality cookware is that I have to wash it all by hand because the dishwasher will ruin it, then I don't want any more high-quality cookware.
- Eminem protege Obie Trice raps boastfully about how he uses his real name as a rap name in the song "Rap Name." Well that's because you have a cool name, Obie. I bet you wouldn't be so complacent or boastful if your real name was Ronald Worthington.
- I will note here that I am "just playing," because the last thing I want to do is get into a beef with Eminem and his homies. The last time I did that, I was mocked thoroughly on the MTV Video Music Awards.
- Enough with the fucking reality TV shows already. When our country is threatening to bomb another country and/or preparing to go to war, every TV channel should show "reality" programs regarding that topic. Here's an idea: Viewers should have to complete a geography/current-events quiz following news programs in order to unlock the reward of a reality TV show. Eat some vegetables, earn the right to eat dessert.
- What am I supposed to do with all this duct tape?
  - If the terrorists were really smart, they would have made a bunch of poisonous duct tape.
  - I have made a crude surface-to-air missle out of the duct tape.
  - I have made a crude gas-mask out of duct tape as well.
  - I am not sure if the duct-tape missle will be effective against nuclear arms and scud missiles.
  - I am also not sure if the duct-tape gas-mask will be effective against botulism or the nerve agent VX.
  - I am sure that the duct tape will come in very handy when I am posting photoes of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders and Biz Markie on the wall of my bomb shelter.

Friday, February 07, 2003

National Terror Threat Levels: At a Glance

Now we're at "Orange"... but what does that mean? Use the helpful guide below to determine how the terror threat level colors should be manifested in your daily activities.

Green (Low): Prance freely, toss rose petals, paint psychedelic peace symbols on face
Blue (Guarded): Look at everyone out of the corner of your eye
Yellow (Elevated): Now would be a good time to enroll in martial arts classes
Orange (High): Wear a helmet at all times
Red (Severe): Don a suit of armor, cover self in Smucker's Magic Shell and revert to fetal position

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

Saddam's Iraq: Inspections Showdown Freedom Confrontation

Match the catchphrase for the ongoing hubbub with Iraq with the news outlet that uses it (click here for the answers). To keep you guessing, there are four fake catchphrases.

Catchphrases	News outlets
1. Showdown: Iraq	a. MSNBC
2. Target: Iraq	b. Fox News
3. Showdown With Saddam	c. Dateline NBC
4. Showdown With Iraq	d. Boston Globe
5. Conflict With Iraq	e. ABC
6. Standoff With Iraq	f. CNN
7. Special Report: Brit Hume	g. Time Magazine
8. Confronting Iraq	h. New York Times
9. Target: Saddam	i. CBS
10. Weapons Smoke-Out: Blix vs. Iraq	j. Washington Post
11. All About Avril Lavigne	k. BBC
12. Inspection: Iraq	l. Fake
13. Iraq: The Inspectioning	m. Fake
14. Iraq Standoff	n. Fake
15. Iraq Target: Inspection Standoff Showdown	o. Fake

Lowbar

Thursday, February 20, 2003

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

Friday, February 14, 2003

Thursday, February 13, 2003

Friday, February 07, 2003

Wednesday, February 05, 2003

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