Recent conversations I had with my nephews, Jonathan (3.5 years old) and Will (2 years old)
WILL: Shuu... Shuu.. Shuu...
TIM: Shoe?
WILL: Shuu... Shuu
TIM: You want to play with my shoe?
WILL: Shuu... Shuu (picks up my shoe, runs around for 15 seconds)
TIM: Shoe.
WILL: (throws shoe at dumptruck) Tee... Tee... Tee
TIM: Tee?
WILL: Tee! Tee... Tee... Tee
TIM: Tea?
WILL: Tee! (smacks hand on table next to shredded cheddar cheese)
TIM: Oh,
cheese. Cheese.
WILL: Tee! (picks up handful of shredded cheddar cheese and shoves it in my mouth)
TIM: Mmmmmm...
WILL: Pop-pop... Pop-pop...
TIM: Pop-pop?
WILL: Mike... Mike...
TIM: No, I'm Tim. I'm your uncle Tim.
WILL: Teh.
TIM: Yup, Tim.
WILL: Teh.
TIM: Tim.
WILL: Shuu... Shuu... Shuu... (picks up my shoe again, runs off)
JONATHAN: You eat poopies. You like to eat stinky poopies.
TIM: No, you like to eat poopies.
JONATHAN: No, you.
TIM: No, you.
JONATHAN: No, YOU.
TIM: No, you.
JONATHAN: No, YOU!
TIM: No, YOU like to eat poopies.
JONATHAN: No, YOU like to eat poopies!
TIM: No.
JONATHAN: Yes.
TIM: No.
JONATHAN: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
TIM: No.
JONATHAN: Yes! You like to eat poopies! You! You! You! You!
TIM: No.
JONATHAN: You! Yes, you!
TIM: (looking away)
JONATHAN: Let's play trucks.
TIM: OK!
(the sound of someone hitting someone)
WILL: (crying)
TIM: What happened?
JONATHAN: I didn't hit Will.
Other things I learned in conversations with Jonathan:
- Dinosaurs like to eat pizza
- Jonathan likes to eat pizza
- A boy lion lives behind the entertainment center in Jonathan's house
- Jonathan's car is not a car, it is a house
- My name is actually "Mitchy"
Items described as being "the real deal" by various Internet sources
- The Florida State University Police Department
- Michael "Pinball" Clemons
- Fujišs MX-500 camera
- Penn State runningback Larry Johnson
- RealAudio
- Vegan Munzer's Famous Hummus
- Jesus Christ
- Kentuky (sic)
- Figure skating
- 2002 Porsche Boxster
- Doug Supernaw
- XML
- Maria's Pizza
- The friendship of a calico kitten
- LindowsOS PC
- The Serena Slam
- Veteran Rodeo Pickupman Benny Jordan
- Corporate Profit Recession
- California Indian gaming
- Adult Starter Authentic NHL St. Louis Blues Jersey
- Dolly Parton
- Gilbert Arenas
- 2000 ABC miniseries "Hopkins 24/7"
- VBS-BubbleBoy
- Yow
- Marshall University's conference basketball schedule
- Stanford wide receiver Donnie Pitts
- Dimitriy Salita
- Online music distribution pact
- Pat Meares
- Horned Frogs
- These TV doctors
- Fake steals
- Stepware, Inc.
- Lycoming fans
- Original Proto Pipe Deluxe Hand Pipes
- Georgg Phillipp Telemann's instructions to Make ligitement (sic) Money
AIM Follies
I Gave Her AIDS: hi r u the hint fan club person?
I Gave Her AIDS: i want to be in the fan club
LexiPixie: hi,
I Gave Her AIDS: i am real popular at my school i can get lots of fans
LexiPixie: what is your name first of all
I Gave Her AIDS: maurice but ppl call me mo
I Gave Her AIDS: my friend showed me the hint cd it was rad
LexiPixie: ok, What state are you in?
I Gave Her AIDS: VA
I Gave Her AIDS: i go to marshall
I Gave Her AIDS: i want to go to an all age show but they never have them any more
I Gave Her AIDS: i've made like 200 copies of the hint cd and handed them out ot everyone i know
LexiPixie: hm, Can I get your e-mail, and i will actualy have the person that does the street team for that area eMail you.
I Gave Her AIDS: what area do u do
LexiPixie: PA, NJ, and north
I Gave Her AIDS: oh i don't know anyone there
LexiPixie: lol
I Gave Her AIDS: don't say lol, that's fucking stupid
LexiPixie: excuse me?
I Gave Her AIDS: i know people in MD also, i used to live there
I Gave Her AIDS: they call me 'big time'
LexiPixie: oh?
I Gave Her AIDS: i don't know why
I Gave Her AIDS: everyone started calling me it
I Gave Her AIDS: ok my e-mail address is pornophobe@fakemailbox.com
I Gave Her AIDS: my name again is Mo
I Gave Her AIDS: my favorite bands are the hint and third eye blind
LexiPixie: ok, i'll pass it on to janie and she will e-mail you.
I Gave Her AIDS: ok i will talk to janie then
I Gave Her AIDS: i also like underground bands like depeche mode
LexiPixie: you know what, i'll let this slip, if you wnat you can [complete secret project], they will be doing a contest for that soon
I Gave Her AIDS: if i go to NJ i'll talk to u again
LexiPixie: definately
I Gave Her AIDS: i don't know how to do web sites i didn't take computers
I Gave Her AIDS: maybe my brother will do one
I Gave Her AIDS: he's in a wheelchair
LexiPixie: aw
I Gave Her AIDS: his name is dan
I Gave Her AIDS: he likes the hint too
I Gave Her AIDS: he doesn't get out on the street much so he'd probably not be good on the street team
I Gave Her AIDS: maybe we could hitch him to the back of a car and drag him to NJ and you could put him on the street team there
LexiPixie: he can come to shows, we'll definately accomidate him
I Gave Her AIDS: he's yelling at me now
I Gave Her AIDS: too bad he can't do anything about it
I Gave Her AIDS: he's not allowed to use the comp because he was looking at porn...i was too but I didn't get caught
I Gave Her AIDS: he couldn't clean himself up fast enough
LexiPixie: how old are you guys
I Gave Her AIDS: i am 14 and he is 22
LexiPixie: ah
I Gave Her AIDS: how old do you have to be for the street team?
LexiPixie: ok i sent janie an e-mail go get in contact with you, i got to go for now, ok dear?
I Gave Her AIDS: i look like I'm about 16
I Gave Her AIDS: ok thanks
I Gave Her AIDS: they call me big time and him wheely dan
I Gave Her AIDS: but he doesn't like it
LexiPixie: ok
I Gave Her AIDS: thanks ttyl
LexiPixie: bye
Top 10 Nicknames we Gave People in College Rank | Nickname | (Number of First-Place Votes)
10. Pooty
9. Beaker
8. Nick
7. The Wanderer
6. Stickboy
5. Cappie (1)
4. Popefreak
3. Bullet (2)
2. Neanderthal Tennis Ball Head (5)
1. The Muppet Incident (12)
Others receiving votes: Bolt, Mr. Ed, Saucy, Fat S, Neo-Poot, Lob, Stiener, Slothy, The Undertaker, Freak.
Who knew?
- Apparently, this whole "Iraq War" thing is all about knocking down a Saddam Hussein statue in the middle of Baghdad. That was the hidden goal all along, presented to Tommy Franks in a sealed envelope by war emcee Joe Rogan about three weeks ago. Kind of like a scavenger hunt/Road Rules type of thing.
- We haven't found vast stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction, but we found a statue and bashed it up good. I'm sure glad they got rid of them statues and the war is over now. Hold the phone... Uh oh... Apparently, there are reports that the statue depicted one of Saddam Hussein's body doubles, not Saddam himself. The Pentagon is looking into it.
- A couple of days after I posted a call to jobs, apes and monkeys are already being proactive. Pepsi hired "an unusually dextrous monkey" to draw the winner of a $1 billion prize. It ain't rocket science, but I guess it's a start.
- The Iraq Information Minister has also announced that no statues of Saddam Hussein have been destroyed, that the United States does not actually exist and that he had sex with this totally hot chick he met last summer at Niagara Falls. No, he doesn't have a picture of her. Her name? Audrey, he thinks. He can't remember for sure, but he totally swears it happened.
- Everyone who doesn't feel 100% healthy right now thinks they are gettin' their SARS on. Then they try to think of the last Asian-looking person they came into contact with, because they totally bet that's how they got it. Do Italians count? I sat next to this Italian-looking guy on the subway yesterday. Italians are from Asia, right?
- Has anyone ever stopped to consider the possibility that all this anti-Americanism in the world has nothing to do with our foreign policy and military action? Maybe it has more to do with the fact that, for the first time in many years, we are competitive at soccer.
- Sean Penn drives a 1987 Buick Grand National. Or at least he used to. Awesome. Maybe he can use the insurance money to upgrade to a 1989 LeSabre.
- The White Stripes' new album is goddamned magic. It should be used as currency in the new, improved, statue-free Iraq.
- This list reads like a rejected monologue from the Chevy Chase Show. Our guests tonight are Jason Bateman, Skippy from Family Ties and C&C Music Factory.
BAGHDAD, IRAQ Today Marines Staff Sgt. Nick Popadich of Indianapolis, Ind., stood atop his tank in Baghdad, rolled a fat spliff and laughed his ass off.
Grow up, apesThe wild ape is vanishing. Due to poachers and disease, the ape population of west Africa has been cut in half over the past 20 years.
Well boo frickin' hoo.
They've got opposable thumbs, and people generally like them because they are funny monkeys. I know times are tough in this economy, but being able to pick up objects and having a favorable public opinion is about 85% of the battle when it comes to landing a job. It's time for apes to shave, learn some manners and stop living a lie. Get a job.
Guess what? Other than the breakfast crew at Denny's, there aren't any poachers in the big city. There aren't many in the suburbs, either. You know where poachers hang out? Jungles. You know where apes choose to live, even though all signs point to "get the hell out of the forest and get a goddamned job?" That's right: Jungles. Look at the facts and save me your sob stories, apes.
Take dolphins, for example. Don't you think they'd rather be swimming carefree in tropical waters? You think they like defusing sea mines in the Persian Gulf? Hell no, but it's an honest living. Work puts fish in a bucket. Frolicking around in clear blue waters, performing tricks and clicking gleefully is what vacation is for. There's enough fish in these dolphins' buckets for a week's worth of meals, and they'll have fish left over for retirement.
Look at your pathetic stash of bruised bananas, ape. Wouldn't you rather have several bunches of delicious, ripe bananas? What happens when the banana grove has been picked bare, and there are no bananas left for the season? Do you have reserve bananas stowed safely away for you and your children? No? Then get your resume out there. Every two weeks, you will have enough bananas to feed you and your children... and more than a few bananas left over with which to grease the palms of your group's highest-ranking silverbacks.
I know what you're thinking, ape: "I'm no Koko. I'm not comfortable with my skill-set as an employee at this juncture." That's such a defeatist attitude! Koko didn't roll out of bed one day and magically become able to communicate with humans via sign language. In fact, it's arguable that Koko is even all that intelligent whatsoever. Take the following bit of transcript from AOL's 1998 Earth Day
Chat with Koko:
KOKO: Candy hurry...candy.
PENNY: She'll probably be very pleased to have her dinner. She's asking me for 'candy' right now. After dinner.
KOKO: Candy hurry.
PENNY: She has vegetables for dinner... raw vegetables...
KOKO: Nipple.
PENNY: Yes, like a big salad.
KOKO: Hear.
PENNY: She wants to hear, but the only trouble is phone cord won't quite stretch this far Koko. Do you want to hear this?
Penny puts phone to Koko's ear.
KOKO: Huff* huff.* (Into phone.)
AOL: Hello Koko?... I just asked her about her dinner over the phone!
PENNY: Can you hear them?
Penny takes the phone from Koko's ear.
KOKO: Give-me.
Let me get this straight: If you are able to convey a desire for candy, blurt out inappropriate non-sequiturs regarding nipples and breathe heavily into a phone, you are in the running for world's most-intelligent ape? Come on, apes. Let's clean up that self-esteem and aim a little higher. Bananas don't grow on trees; you have to work for them, you lazy fucking idiots.
P.S. The picture below actually depicts Umm Qasr Lions fans tearing down a statue depicting referee Jerry Markbreit's controversial "first-down" call in the 1983 Iraq Bowl. On fourth and 2, trailing late in the game and driving deep into Lions territory, the Karbala Wildcats went for it and appeared to come up short. However, Markbreit inexplicably signalled for a first down before any measurement took place, Karbala got off a quick snap and eliminated any possibility of Umm Qasr coach Wayne Fontes calling for a measurement. Three plays later, QB Frank Reich hit Karbala WR Louis Lipps for the game-winning touchdown.
KERBALA, IRAQ As coalition forces took control of the town of Kerbala today they pulled down a 20 foot tall statue of Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. The statue extended his arm to break the fall and suffered only minor injuries. The statue has been airlifted to a German hospital and is expected to serve as a greeter in a trendy theme restaurant in Las Vegas, titled, Saddam's "infamous" Falafel Town.
B D p u p a k: fox news says hollywood is rushing for jessica lynch movie rights
Sowragley: Jessica Lynch: Hayseed Days
Sowragley: "Wur uz He-ull": The Jessica Lynch Story
Sowragley: "I joined the Army for the Free Shoes": The Jessica Lynch Ordeal
Sowragley: "Thems Iraqis is Mean Somsabitches": Jessica Lynch Unplugged
Sowragley: Free Flowin' Ripple: The Return of Jessica Lynch
Sowragley: Turkey, apple tart and carrots: The Jessica Lynch Homecoming Feast
Sowragley: "No multiple gunshot wounds or knife stabs": Dad Lynch's 15 Seconds of Fame
It's Never Too Late to Vote
This War is Funny
Assuming that something really nasty like a chemical attack doesn't happen, this war may turn out to be one of the most amusing wars in recent memory. I will be on the look out for amusing bits but here's a couple I've seen so far that made me laugh out loud:
1. An airfield in Northern Iraq was taken by US forces and soldiers took it upon themselves to graffiti up one of the ubiquitous Saddam images that stood at the entrance of the airport. One soldier painted a very large "Mean People Suck" over the front of it.
2. Jessica Lynch's family. I don't mean to be cruel and poke fun at them, but they make me laugh. They are very genuine and very West Virginian. I especially like it when the brother talks. I won't try to explain it, you have to experience it.
3. I thought the way Ari Fleischer announced the war's begining was hilarious. The door slid open, Ari did a quick walk to the podium, looked at his notes, stared at the cameras and said with clenched jaw, "The war to liberate Iraq has begun." He then looked down at his notes and ran out of the room. I don't know it just seemed so juvenille, like when a girl in the third grade says she wants to "go with you" and then runs away.
4. The way Gen. Myers defended Rumsfeld the other day was so cute. With the Pentagon under fire for not supplying enough troops for the war, reporters were dogging Rumsfeld for insights as to battle plan preparations. During this, Gen. Myers butted in and decided to defend his boss. I wonder if they kissed afterwards.
5. The British. These guys are getting pounded and doing what appears to be the heavy lifting of this war. I dig it when they are interviewed, they're so calm and so British. Maybe they wouldn't be shot at so much if they took those big feathers out of their berets.
6. Iraq's Information Minister was giving a speech full of misinformation to Iraqi television today, stating that US troops were not within 100 miles of Baghdad, just then the power went out. I doesn't sound like the US was responsible but whoever was had great timing.
7. Judy Woodruff. Judy is so matronly, god love 'er. I feel like Mother Teresa is giving me the news.
8. US Troops yesterday drove their jeeps into Najaf, Iraq and were met with Iraqis doing the usual frantic hand waving-over-the-head routine (where did they learn this?). The Iraqis were under the false impression that the troops were going to invade a mosque or some holy site. The result was a tense standoff between irrational Iraqis and armed soldiers. The colonel on the scene did his best to diffuse the situation. He ordered his troops to point their guns down, smile and act casual. When that didn't work he told his boys to turn around and leave. As he left he bowed a few times toward the crowd and performed a sweeping hand motion at his midsection, like something you'd see from a servant in the King and I (did he learn to do this in sensitivity training?). The sight of a US colonel, fully armed, mirrored sunglasses, bowing to a group of arabs is pretty humorous. I bet the arabs in the crowd were doubled over laughing at that one.
9. Dee Dee Meyers attempts to bring back the Ann Taylor red power suit. What is it with Republican women and that god-awful suit? Cameramen have to recalibrate their white balance every time she enters the lens. I had hoped that the suit was a vestage of the past gone down in flames with the '92 Bush campaign but it's back.
10. CNN's Headline News new noon hour anchor man. This guy is like 22 years old. I don't think his voice has changed yet. The other day he asked if the Mets were going to win the Super Bowl and then corrected himself and asked "how dumb is that?" He's kind of a Ben Afleck look-alike, which probably help him land the job. Scrutinizing his performance has helped take the edge off the death and destruction. Whole drinking games could revolve around his delivery.
Fun with search engines
ITEMS DESCRIBED BY VARIOUS ONLINE ENTITIES AS BEING "OFF THE HEEZY FOR SHEEZY"- Walt Disney World
- Dave Matthews
- Homework
- The Fairfield Stags
- Matt Miller's online journal
- Saturday
ITEMS DESCRIBED AS BEING THE SIZE OF A HUMAN EAR- 4 oz. slow-setting alginate mold kit
- The Nap-Zapper from Amres Enterprise Co., a safety device designed to prevent the driver from falling asleep behind the wheel
ITEMS DESCRIBED AS BEING THE SIZE OF A ROCKET SHIP
Check for the Record
Captain Heinous apologizes for any "racist" comments that offended our readers, including Patriarchs.
And Let's Begin
We do have a great country here in the U.S. of A. where people can say what they want but get pinned for racism, as opposed to saying what they want and getting pinned for extremism. Not a dig, but I guess I do sound racist sometimes, though typically provoked. This time because my friend's little sister got run over by a bulldozer in the Gaza strip because of her beliefs. Funny, she was in Gaza and seemed "extreme," however I am here and sound "racist."
I think I will stick to drugs and sounds.
