RE: Am I the Only One Who Posts Stuff Anymore?
Funny, I was just wondering the same thing, about you I mean. It's interesting how the patriarchs of Lowbar go through phases of posting.
I had an epiphany last night. I was checking out the titles in a bookstore when it dawned on me that Lowbar would be a great subject for a book. Four people in different locales posting inane dribble soley for one another's amusement. Couple that with IM conversations and drunken phone messages and you got yourself a bestseller! I wish I had saved those Hurracane Isabel phone calls. I'll start writing it as soon as I get back from a job interview, my 14th this month.
Am I the Only One Who Posts Stuff Anymore?Check out the theatrical trailer for
Bubba Ho-Tep, then peruse the official site. It looks pretty damn entertaining.
Fuck All Y'allYou know what, readership? There are people in this world who just cannot be relied upon, under any circumstances, even for the most banal shit. Distance yourself from these people as much as possible, because their only purpose as relates to you is to be a leech on your success, knowledge, and general awesomeness. These people are headed nowhere...and unlike your road to nowhere (lined with all the best stuff you can imagine), theirs is paved with shit. Let them rot on their own, magnanamous as you might be.
If the above describes you, stay away from my goddamn site.
OAKLAND WINS!Congratulations to the
Oakland A's, playoff-bound 2003 American League West Division Champions. My tickets to Oakland are already bought. Special congrats to Lowbar fan Adam Melhuse, who drove in the winning run in the bottom of the 10th.
Something to Listen ToI finally found an
mp3 of the Howard Stern Radio Show on September 11, 2001. Though I certainly disagree with most of the man's politics, listening to the confusion, speculation, anger, tears, fear, etc as they experienced this and stayed on the air from within New York can really take you back to what it felt like that morning. Not that it's something fun to remember, but maybe we're not supposed to forget this one...not yet anyway.
And your point is.......????What's wrong with making a bagillion bucks at 27? I ain't never heard of anybody pullin' bling through consulting. Ain't happenin'. Go start a hedge fund.
OH by gosh by golly, it's time for...
FUCKING! Gawd am I an idiot! This past weekend was really stupid. I went to a double header (and double barrell) birthday party over the weekend and I thought I was being smart by "sticking to one color of alcohol." Well the color I chose was A LOT because that methodology was written by Hammered and Chimpy. All I did all weekend was complain about how I never get any from my girl who is too busy with school. STUPID, at least I get SOME! Anyway I learned a valuable lesson which is to love the one you're with. I get home at 0530 and didn't have my building pass so I am sitting on the front planter in my BLING$BLING threads waiting for the loading dock to open. Whoops, all of a sudden I am drinking again while I am watching football and losing bets to some guy in the Caribbean that is probably 27 making a bagillion bucks with his offshore gambling biznaz.
That made me realize, as Hardcore, that I am not where I envisioned I would be at this stage in life. In fact, I will probably never be Bling Bling. Right now, it is a stretch to think I am Bling, or even Bli, but I get by.
Then I log on to the Blog and see that some dern foo is gettin' hitch-amatized. Can you show me a witness! Hey man, thanks for the heads up on the celebralation. I guess we can raise a glass from the SS Heinous as we are about to get blown away this weekend by a hurricane. Maybe I will try to crash another Cessna Skyhawk!!!
I'm No Weatherman, But...
Looks like you boys in DC are going to get pummeled this week by Isabel. Hey what a great time to fly to Boston and have a rain-soaked wedding on the beach! Check the track, goes right to Annapolis.
ProjectSince Blogger changed formats on us, or maybe we fucked something up, all of our old posts are showing all poopie. Probably because the patriarchal slackers did not use HTML tags. Lame. Anyhow, it's time to go back and start fixing them. If you remember HTML and you're interested in helping out, contact freshmilk@lowbar.com...there's free Lowbar gear in it for you.
I hereby declare...
1. That this economy doth suck. Oh sure maybe (no proof yet) corporate spending is on the rise but jobs are scarce. I'm begining to think we've become just an information society and that there is no real work to be done anymore. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore! In fact the only thing that keeps me going is laughing about Capt. Anus.
2. President Bush is out of control. Not only did we not find any WMD's, we didn't find any terrorists either, unless you call people defending their sovereign country terrorists. Maybe we should rename the minutemen, who so bravely fought during the US Revolutionary War, terrorists. The deficit is mushrooming. Send the troops home, pretty please. We need thier $15k/year consumer spending to give our economy a shot in the arm.
3. The weather outside is nice. As I look out my window I see a beautiful day. I can see all the way to Oaktown.
4. Schwarzenneger should stay off TV. Every time I hear his thick accent I cringe. It sounds good when he's toting a shotgun and asking for Sara Conner but not when talking about the "Sacramento Fatcats". I was once thinking about voting for him. I thought it would be fun to have Arnold to kick around for a couple years but I just can't take it. He walks funny too, sort of a waddle.
5. I may never be a millionaire. I'm mid-30's, jobless and in debt. I may never "make it". In fact my future looks rather dim. I'm no longer willing to "take one for any team" and I'm not skilled enough to be your boss. There's nothing left but to start a dot com and run it into the ground. Yay me!
6. I think Queer Eye for the Straight Guy was good. Emphasis on the WAS. Oh sure they are funny, occassionaly, but I think they've exhausted the straight guy thing. Straight men just are not good television. Manscaping, gel product in hair, manicures, eyebrow tweesing, fake meals that they don't know how to prepare. Hey what else you got? Nada!
7. Monk, however is good TV. If you haven't seen it, it's good stuff. Reminds me of Columbo.
8. Nanotechnology will never happen. It's all a hoax. Don't believe it. The Internet is as far advanced as we're going to get.
9. I'm getting married. Sept 21st in Beantown. Sorry just a family gathering. But we'll have a soiree in SF in Oct. Y'all come, ya hear?
10. September 11th still isn't funny. You'd think after two years we could joke about it... nope, still not funny.
e-I'mAnIdiot.com
Freshmilk and I have been enjoying the postings of Annexation on Epinions. I laughed heartily all morning long as a matter of fact at his tirades about ExLax, diarrhea, and the Epinions Idol segment. I too decided to create an Epinions name and post a story. Afterall, only about ten people read Lowbar and thousands read Epinions. So I wrote a review of a ski area I once used to work at and took the opportunity to slander my previous boss. I hit the submit button and... nothing. It didn't take. I tried again. Nothing. So I say screw you Epinions! I don't need your e-forum to e-anything. You e-got it?! So here's my spiel about Deer Valley. Try to act enthused.
When I was in my early twenties I was lured into a job at Deer Valley "bumping chairs". This is the hip, snow junkie
way of saying you're a chairlift operator. I would wake up in my home in downtown Salt Lake City at 5am and make
the hour long ride up to Deer Valley to make it to my $8 dollar-an-hour job. One day my car did a 360 on the highway
and almost got hit on either side by simultaneously passing semis (just like in the movie Planes, Trains and
Automobiles). Anyway, I was almost always late and a definate slacker. My boss was an Austrian, let's call him Hans.
He loved discipline and I think I became his defacto beeotch for he would seperate me from the rest of the chair
bumpers, put me on the back of his snowmobile and drive me to the other side of the mountain where he would yell
at me for about twenty minutes. I thought this was quite amusing. I couldn't understand him half of the time anyway
and I typically just ignored him.
Part of the job consisted of tidying up after a snowstorm. They would make us crawl up on the rigging of the chairlift
and tell us to sweep snow off of the turnstiles that sit fifteen feet off the ground. This is harrowing work. The
experienced chairlift operators would walk on top of the lift while us newbies would straddle the snow covered pipes
and be extremely careful lest we fall. A friend of mine did fall. She got a broken leg and couldn't work the rest of the
season.
Most of the time I would just sit at the top of the mountain in a hut with a space heater. This is the most boring place
in the world. There isn't anything to do but freeze and stare at the inexperienced skiers tumbling off the lift, so I
decided to read the newspaper, but I wasn't really reading it, I would glance down at a classified ad between chairs.
This is a no-no in chair lift operation. You are supposed to keep your eyes always on the lift. The danger is that the lift
could go into reverse and hundereds of people could be killed. This hasn't happened in 150 years but it's still the
danger. Most skiers don't know how bad this would be. If a lift goes in reverse, you're better off jumping. Anyway,
Hans happened to be skiing by at this moment and spotted my biblio-pecadillo. He entered the chair lift hut, fuming
mad, and ordered me to go home. It was the fair thing to do, his asking me to leave, I thought, and so I went home
without thinking twice about it. The next day he called me up and asked me to come back to work. I declined. Not
because I was mad because he ordered me out of the hut, I wasn't, lives were at stake, afterall. No, the reason I didn't
go back was he wouldn't let me ski under the lifts.
Deer Valley is a meticulously groomed resort. They take great pains to groom all the fun out of the place. If you like to
ski straight all day and not make a turns, this is the place for you. I however enjoyed skiing under the lift in freshly
laid powder. This was one of the greatest sensations I've had in my life but somehow it was a paradise lost, for no
sooner had I discovered the joy and rapture of being the first skier of the day to lay down tracks than I was taken
around the mountainside by Hans on the dreaded snowmobile of discipline and yelled at for not adhering to the rule
of only skiing on groomed areas (I must have been absent that day recovering from being straddled by semis).
Oh yeah, I once saw Pam Dauber there (from Mork and Mindy fame).
Like to ski straight and not turn? = perfect.
Like to read while hundreds perish at your uncaring hand? = not so good.
Like to dress up in Nazi regalia and terrorize slopes with your peoplessnowwagonnen? = Perfect!
Another Bold Prediction: "Fuckin' Champion"With the realization that the world (as we know it) will come to an "end" on 2 September 2014, I have another bold prediction to make:
Sometime between now and August 29, 2014, I will be declared "Fuckin' Champion." This championship does not necessarily have anything to do with fucking (though I'm not ruling it out, I'd have to consider any favorable title in that regard highly unlikely). Nor will it, I predict, have anything to do with sport (though I still have 3 years of NCAA eligibility remaining, and am considering making myself available for the draft). I was hoping I might be a Jeopardy champion, but that would probably not be a victory of the "Fuckin' Champion"-ship sort.
Moving right along...A good friend is plotting against a chocolate-thieving officemate...with the obvious retaliatory prank coming to mind, I embarked upon a web search for 'chocolate ex-lax'. I stumbled across a consumer review on
Ciao, a British site akin to the American
Epinions, where users from around the world post reviews on various consumer products (household goods, drugs, electronics, cars, etc)...though it is expanded to include film, music, and a much wider range of consumer products than I have seen thoroughly discussed on Epinions. Anyhow, I confirmed that these reviews are screened for relevance and decency. So, it could only be in the name of good humour that the screeners let
this lukewarm review of chocolate Ex-Lax slip by, entitled
Rectifying Your Rectum and contributed by a user called
annexation. After reading some of this guy's other posts, I'm seriously considering recruiting him for a guest piece or two on Lowbar.
We're All Gonna Die in 11 Years
Like 20 million Hiroshimas
