Do NOT Drink and Jive
As I was driving into work this morning, I came up with a brilliant idea, if I do say so myself. I travel quite extensively for work, as do many folks for their working stiff jobs. Being away from home, loved ones or favorite pickup joints can become extremely lonely. Basically I realized, with my 8oz hotel Maxwell House black coffee in hand, that I needed to get laid. I was also contemplating a team outing we are having but that is quite far away from the hotel. I plan on drinking but do not want to have to drive or pay for a $50 cab ride each way. I was also thinking about a recent rollerblading accident and the Urgent Care facility I visited for X-Rays. What a scam those places are but at least it is a cheap alternative to an HMO PCP, despite the suboptimal care part.
Solution 1: Now not that I advocate this behavior in any way, but prostitution is one outlet for said problem above. I mean, after all, there is only so much masturbation that one person/hand can take. However, prostitution is only legal in Las Vegas’ outskirt counties, and I do not work there. Also, safety and health issues are of concern. Let’s break this down. Holland has legalized prostitution and mandated certain health standards for its prostitutes. Let’s assume we have instituted a semblance of this in NV. Now security; usually “call girls” will be escorted by a body guard, a steroid byproduct Neanderthal that may or may not be armed. Street prostitutes have pimps, but who knows how efficient they are in securing the safety of the prostitutes.
Solution 2: One other thought is that designated drivers are indeed a wonderful policy among friends and colleagues. However, it is sometimes difficult to find a designated driver or con some sap into not drinking when everyone else is boozing it up.
Solution 3: Start my own Urgent Care facility for things like sports-related injuries, but which include therapy, message, and other non-medial treatment.
IDEA: So I thought to myself, “Self,” why not combine all three!? If I roll into a bar and get kashmlamerlated on vodka and stout, I just might be drunk enough to be horny. Then, when I am ready to go home, I find the meathead or two in the bar that are the “designated driver service representatives,” of which there may be several depending on the location of the bar. I pay this guy $100, $200, whatever, to drive me home. As an added benefit of this “safe ride” home, I am also accompanied by the “car safety attendant,” an incredible, beautiful and voluptuous specimen of femaleness, but again this depends on the location of the bar or city. This car attendant will make sure that I am “delivered safely” upon return to my destination. This could include any necessary “urgent care” that may be necessary due to my intoxication.
Get it? If you do, and would like to invest into this venture, send your echecks to heinous@lowbar.com. Also, if you are John Morse II, don’t steal my © COPYRIGHTED 2004 idea you sleazy fuck, because I will find you (in Chicago).
You Want Fries with that Shake? – Chapter 1
I have come to realize that I am the proud holder of a magic McDonald’s coupon. It is either that or that McDonald’s employees are 1) not at all attentive, b) not at all intelligent, or III) neither attentive nor intelligent. I will tell you now about my magic coupon. At a local university’s home basketball games, if the opposing team was held to less than 70 points, spectators were all rewarded with a seemingly gratuitous coupon for a free Big Mac, with a purchase of any item. This coupon is due to expire on May 31st 2004. I actually have several because I went to several games. At first I did not realize it, but soon it became evident that this coupon was a loophole in the drive-thru process at the local McDonald’s. You know, magic.
What I mean is that upon driving up to the ordering microphone, I would announce that I had a coupon for a free Big Mac. Less that 5% of the time the employee would tell me that I had to purchase something. Soon I realized that I did NOT have to purchase something and that I could just get a FREE Big Mac. Then I realized something even better. After I ordered, let’s say a Big Mac and a McValue Fry ($1), I would drive to the payment window (usually the first one). Literally 99% of the time the employee NEVER asked me for the coupon. Hence, free Big Mac and I get to reuse the coupon.
Now today, oh my, I found out that the coupon is magic. I ordered the usual, a Big Mac and McValue Fry, and because the employee had to figure out how to enter the freeness of the Big Mac, determined that the entire order was free. So she said, “Well it is all free so drive to the next window.” Man that was the weirdest feeling of all: driving through McDonald’s drive through, hitting all three stops, picking up free food, and driving on. Too bad their shake machine was broken.
I want to try some new experiments:
1) Drive through after May 31st.
2) Drive through in another county (it is only supposed to be valid in the local stores)
3) Drive through in another state.
4) Drive through with no coupon at all. (“Oh I’m sorry, I must have misplaced it.”)
5) Drive through Burger King and order a free Whopper. (“Will you honor your competitor’s deal?”)
6) Drive through Burger King and order a free Whopper. (“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought I was at McDonald’s.”)
7) Make my own coupon, but not try to counterfeit one that exists. (“My daughter finger-painted and gave me this and I thought I would see if it works.”)
8) See if they will give me the “value” of the coupon. (“It says here this coupon is worth not more than 2 cents, I want 2 cents please.”)
9) Drive through and say I have a coupon for 10 free Big Macs.
10) Go inside and try all of the above (except the driving through part).
Now down to BizNas
I was sitting in a conference yesterday listening to a self-proclaimed Collaboration expert who has a PhD in some sort of nonsense and who wrote a book that was being handed out free afta da show. He was basically discussing collaboration in the workplace and how technology has affected it, particularly the internet and other, newer forms of "non-traditional" media. Now listen to this quote that he flashed on the screen:
"Media act as living vortices of power creating hidden environments and effects that act abrasively and destructively on older forms of culture." - Marshall McLuhan,
Understanding Media
I sat there and read that a few times and then wrote it down. Finally I sank back in my chair and said, "Whoa." I could not help but think about how familiar that sounded when sifting the Lowbar manifest through my brain. If you recall, as stated on 3 May 2001:
"Lowbar is a creative entity. It is organic. It is the sum of the creative inputs of the principal members. Whatever the four principal members decide to place on the site will constitute its contents. The vision of Lowbar is to be an exercise in phenomenology. The ideas of Lowbar, its creative content and iconography will increase in popularity through the determination, persistence and talent of the principal members. Use your imagination, Lowbar is anything you want it to be. Use your effort, the collective effort of the principal members will create a powerful singular entity." - Howie Hardcore
Whoa
Can we all focus here people???
Listen drug heads, all those drugs sound real cool, and if you remember, X was legal in the late 80s when some of the people I know were in college. Wow. I personally have tried and like Provigil for those days that I travel but have a 5pm meeting and don't want to fall asleep. And guess what, no pulminary or respiratory affects or repurcussions whatsoever!
This is interesting...
Do the following:
1. Download
Bottomfeeder. This is a newsreader. You'll like it.
2. Right-click the "subscriptions" menu item and "add feed".
3. Enter "http://www.lowbar.com/weblog/atom.xml"
4. Click on the "lowbar" title now displayed.
5. Sit back and soak up the magic of Lowbar.
Fuck all that shit HowieNot looking for something interesting, just a sleep substitute. Someday perhaps I can return to the 300mg or so a day ephedrine habit that had me weighing in somewhere in the 150's when i graduated from college.
I always had a problem rocking out with robo, becuase there was this long period after coming down from the generally pleasant hallucinogen type effects where I just kind of felt like poo and couldn't go to sleep. I generally prefer options that let me crash when they cease to amuse.
As far as that other shit is concerned...I don't really trust the natural ephedra...I've never gotten the same lil' charge out of Metabolife as I have out of a few mini-thins, but I guess that's primarily due to quantity ingested. It's probably all those other diet herbs and shit they put in there.
As far as most ironic treatment of a substance, my pick would have to be alcohol, my spirit drug. Like many other drugs, if you take too much it will kill you, if you do it too often you'll become addicted, you do really stupid shit when you're on it (potentially putting others at risk), it does permanent damage to your body, and it can fuck your unborn baby up. Yet,
I would have said tobacco, but such a good job has been done of creating bad PR for cigarettes that I almost hesistate to say smoking is a socially acceptable practice nowadays.
Wow. What was that?
Maybe its because I've been away from the other members of Lowbar for a while. Maybe it's because I am hard-wired to a crying baby but it seems to me that my co-horts have gone off the deep end. I'm not sure what Capt. Heinous is even talking about in his last post. Did he quit his job? Is he contemplating lesbianism? Is he sober now? I have no idea.
And then there is BK Freshmilk. He seems to be trying to acquire all the soon-to-be-illegal drugs he can get his hands on. Back-in-da-day I too enjoyed researching legal pharmeceuticals (and that's why I'm worried about BK). There are others which are more interesting than ephedra (in my opinion). For example, DXM (Dextromethorphan) found in Robotussin causes euphoria, CNS stimulation and hallucinations not to mention a funny walk (robo walk). Then there is a whole slew of natural plants that will alter one's mind: Datura, Morning Glory Seeds, Nutmeg and San Pedro Cactus to name a few. It's interesting how the Feds made ephedra illegal (which is naturally found in the plant Mau Huang and Mormon Tea) and yet plants such as the ones mentioned above are legal. It's all a question of popularity. If enough neer-do-wells ingest a sustance and die or bash the substance then the Federal Government will make it illegal (just ask marijuana).
My pick for the most ironic treatment of a controlled substance is the Peyote cactus. Peyote only grows in Southern Texas and Northern Mexico. It is in plentiful supply in Mexico but it is illegal there. It is in diminished supply in Texas but it is legal to consume and possess peyote if you are a Native American. Peyote has become increasingly popular among Indian tribes and demand has outpaced supply. Peyote farmers use rancher's land to grow (it cannot be cultivated, it must grow naturally) but the ranchers make more money raising cattle than they do selling peyote so there isn't much incentive to keep the plant alive. I predict that in the US peyote will become extinct in the next fifty years. Big deal you say? Well here's the thing about peyote. It is an amazing plant. Peyote contains over fifty alkaloids and alkaloids have intricate structures that mimic the neurotransmitters in the brain, hence the psychoactive properties of these plants. Science has only scratched the surface of what these alkaloids can do to help mankind. So in the same spirit as BK buying up all the legal ephedra he can find, I am going to buy up all the ranch land in Southern Texas I can find and grow peyote. Come on down y'all. We'll throw a ephedra/peyote/lesbian/paraterminally intoxicated behavioral reorder party.
Reminder: Ephedrine Going Away April 12Hey kids! Don't forget to stock up on your ephedrine products before they are taken off the market on April 12! Depending on how much caffiene and bullshit herbs you like with your ephedrine, I recommend one of the following reasonably-priced products from our friends at Stacker 2:
Pure Ephedrene - duh
Stacker 2 - 25 mg ephedra, 200 mg caffiene, loads of bs 'proprietary diet herbs'
Yellow Swarm - 25 mg ephedra, 300 mg caffiene, minimal bullshit, ginseng
Enjoy!
