Speaking of titties...
Last night as I sat downing Sam Adams's and watching the Democratic Convention on a 13" tv in an empty bar in the North End of Boston I was pleasantly surprised to see that the Kerry Kamp has decided that indeed sex sells. when Kerry's younger daughter, Vansessa got up to speak, I couldn't help noticing that, as the Captain says below, her "rack-o-rama" seemed to speaking louder than her voice and that her "nipple action' was in fact "sprouting." Through the visual distraction I did manage to hear her say, quoting her father, "I want you to look at my heart, my mind and my gut and ask yourself, what kind of president would I be." It would appear that Sen. Kerry wants us to check out his daughter's "jugulars" as well.
Whole town is dead. Anyone seen BK?
TITTIES!!!
There is something to be said for titties. I love titties, I really love them. They are my friends. I love to go running on the trail and when a girlie with big jugulars comes running towards me, I stare right at those puppies. Then when she tries to make eye contact I refuse the proposal and just keep staring right at those monsters, hoping that they will sprout and pop me some nipple action. THEN I will look up at her and meet her eye to eye and smile, as if to say, WOW I just totally checked out your rack-o-rama and I comply satisfied! Amen to the big titties!
This is Just Great!
Well I can safely say that it has been quite some time since I was drunk enough on a school night that I came to work drunk the next day. So I made it to work just in time for the weekly staff meeting and I am hammertime. I think I went to a professional baseball game last night but the real damage came as a result of the discovery that this rinky dink piss hand town that I work in actually has the first franchise installment of the infamous
Hofbrauhaus from Munich Germany. Oh God. Litres and all. All the litres. I find it quite amusing that I am completely toasted listening to people arguing about corporate shit while I ramble on in a haze. I could probably make a state trooper’s quota right now by blowing a point five two. These people around me really don’t know what they are doing and do not know what they are dealing with.
BK Quick Note Retort
See BK's "Quick Note" below
1) Boston is generally confusing --What?! What's so confusing? Once you understand that the locals are not speaking English (as we know it) you just limit conversation to: "wicked pissah" or "how much is the chowdah?"
2) He has no game.
3) It's a lack of brainpower, yes... funny, amused I am.
4) Contributing to a blog is as cool as playing Dungeons and Dragons on a warm, sunny Saturday afternoon.
5) Try not squeezing your member so tightly.
6) Our attempts at "fucking shit up" have met with disdain from our fellow conventioneers. We've been threatened with bodily harm as we try to get into the frame of pictures being taken. One fellow commented that we "ruined his convention."
Next Steps: Try not to sleep in the park like we did last night, find a shower and a blunt object to beat BK with for his droll antics are beginning to take thier toll on me.
Hope is On The Way
In a display of Man-Machine solidarity, John Edwards shared the stage briefly with XR-7000. That solidarity was short lived, as the misunderstood robot was melted down shortly after Carolina Johnny's rousing speech.
Robots have been well-represented at this year's convention, with the Democrats preceding XR-7000's appearance by marching out Chris Heinz on Tuesday and Steve Brozack Wednesday.
The Republicans are supposedly in talks with C3PO, hoping to counteract the impressive robot delegation assembled by the Democrats while potentially luring back disenchanted Log Cabin Republicans.
Quick Notes
1) Boston is generally confusing.
2) Democrat hoes are frigid -or- I have no game whatsoever -or- my vibe doesn't play well in Boston.
3) Howie's simpleton libertarian bent is getting really fucking annoying, and upon further thought, must be the result of his a) lack of brainpower and b) overbearing upbrining in a certain Utah-based clique.
4) This is the first time I can remember when contributing to a blog regularly was thought of as "cool" (fyi - reading this blog regularly = even cooler).
5) It hurts when I pee. Seriously. Will keep you apprised of situation or any atypical discharge.
6) After about 24 hours in your run-of-the-mill Democratic National Convention environment, the focus shifts from causing intelligent mischief to creating conflict and trouble. This may run counter to our attempts to secure free lodging for the evening.
NEXT STEPS: I am trying to secure a low-grade piece of beef, run it coarsely through a blender, put it in a styrofoam cup, and present it to an abortion protestor. Use of a blender, particuarly for this purpose, represents the current long pole in the tent on this scheme.
Michael and Me
My 15 seconds of fame. I'm the one with the wandering mustache, on the left.
Day Three DNC
Actually just day two for us. We're exhausted of course but as BK said, we got lucky last night with entrance to the Fleet Ctr. (thanks Rhode Island!) -for one night at least, problem is they issue new passes each night so we gotta come up with something to get in tonight. Last night was indeed eventful. Here's a picture of BK meeting the toast of the convention, barely illegal, Sarah Bender of Ohio. BK emerges from his luggage looking like a million bucks in a Ralph Lauren suit...I, on the other hand, looked like a $1.23 in the same clothes I'd been wearing for 36 hours.
Dem Convention Tuesday
Well 'round about noon yesterday, after I heard stories of well known blog sites being invited (and actually given press passes) to the Democratic Convention in Boston, BK and I decided to hop on some red-eyes and do our own pirate reporting of the goings-on. We felt we had to witness first-hand the DMZed protester pen, the hoards of average, bloated Americans wearing way too much red, white and blue and of course the free drinks at the no doubt plethora of hospitality parties. The flight was uneventful thanks to a fist full of Dramamine and BK and I met at the appointed spot in the airport without incident. Logan was not nearly the madhouse I anticipated it would be, maybe because we're so late in getting here (was that Glenn Close ordering hotdogs at the "Beantown Chow Down"?) The first order of business was to find some beers, this being Boston we figured that there had to be an Irish bar open somewhere. We were not in luck -at least there were not any in walking distance from where the cabbie dropped us off, so we bought some "fotties" at the "liquey" and proceeded to take the edge off the Dramamine. We then started walking the fifty blocks to the holding pen for Libertarians, et al. Before we made it there however we spotted a Cyber Cafe where I am writing this epistle. More to come.... my $5 is up.
There is only one Lowbar, and THIS IS IT
Here is what I say to this imposter, this adjunct hole to "Rice," PUHSHAW! THIS is Lowbar, claim staked clean and simple. We will not give in to the imposters! If anything, they should contract US as they don’t even have their own website! They should come to US with free drinks for being so cool. We will NOT assimilate [for free]. Howie, you WILL get your bar called Low one day. After all, there are several cities that have a bar called “Bar,” like New Haven, CT and Charlotte, NC. The logo is the same but they are not affiliated in any way. So Lowbar.com fans, show your colors (and buy a t-shirt)! We are the originators of stupid shit!
Captain Comes Clean
Alas maties, as the years roll by I have killed the throttle a bit. In the days of useless spending and co-location of the Lowbar Patriarchs, it was no doubt the norm to be abnormal. My personal achievement in spontaneous inebriated heinocity© can be rivaled by few. Running through the streets with screams and waving arms, diving through trimmed hedges, driving at breakneck speeds to make the Crown Room before the redeye – it don’t matter. But now I got the note, or notes, and travel to distant lands [repeatedly], so spontaneity is escaping me. I will do my part to part with sobriety on a more regular basis, I promise.
Goo-woed
I just saw the Google is planning on IPO-ing at between $108 and $135 per share! Holy Crikeys! That's a wee bit out of my range. Let's see, given that price I could afford about um... 10! I'll be rich!
Hypo-Links
Interesting sites I've come across lately.
Here's one:
this guy rides around on his bike delivering weed in San Francisco. Friend of mine tried it out and it's good quality (guy delivered it to him in front of the public library).
#2 Greatest thing about the Interent... porn of course. And who is better at porn than
punk rock chicks?
Three: After the porn you can cleans your palate with some of
Mr. Noam Chomsky's writings. I've just discovered his stuff. I guess they don't teach this in Utah higher ed.
When in Brooklyn...
Kudos to them for naming a bar "Low" which is what the word "Lowbar" is all about, a dream to one day own a bar where the jukebox kicks ass, the female bartenders are easy on the eye and the drinks are free. Rather than lament that the name is in actual use at a real bar, I say we adopt this Low-Bar as our own. Like Jesus said, if not against us, then they be with us. And as a token of goodwill to the proveyors of Low, I offer up the use of the creative talents of the Lowbar team as already manifest in assorted JPEGs, SWFs and GIFs found throughout our site (except for Chuck's stuff because he's already trademarked it), provided of course that any of the Lowbar patriarchs get to drink for free at the Low-Bar when in Brooklyn. So no need for the owners to reply to this proposal, I'll just assume that this contract is in effect and that the free drink deal is a go. Thanks and good luck to you, fellow Low-barrios.
Oh and if you want to link to our site, that would be really good of you, because if you read down a few posts you'll see that we really need it to help out our Google ranking.
You Have Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me
I've got your
LOWBAR right here. They even stole the logo.
Happy Googling
Sure, Howie, lament over our apparent lack of relevance on Lowbar. But try entering any of the following common terms into your Goog-hole and see what you get:
bushackwards
montophocles
aesfanzen
coney island franklins
screwlack
"furious with the soviet government"
howfagley
Pus, Salt and Just Say Ouch
What's more depressing than a website that nobody views? The fact that when Googled, that website, although it has a rather unique name, is superceeded by a navigational ASP page from antidrugs.gov.il --AND WE'RE VERY PRO-DRUG!!! What's more is that the navigation is in Hebrew! (nothing wrong with Hebrew but c'mon, how many jews do you know are interested in anti-drug propaganda?)
Lowbarinos, we must dedicate ourselves to promoting our soiled name. I hereby ask from the mushy cockles of my age-d blood pump that we each do our own small part to let the world know that when they are in the mood for mindless, crap dribblings that they look no further than our tried and true friend, Senor Lowbar-o. May we register Lowbar in odd, irrelevant places, may we shout "LOWBAR!" at inopportune times, like when making sweet, sweet love to ourselves or when addressing the Senate during a Constitutional ammendment to ban pimple pus research. Back-n-da-day we used to be #1. What the hell happened? Where did we falter? Was it the fake news?!! The confusing but always hilarious mutterings page? My angry white-man rant? Here's salt for the wound, type in Google "link:www.lowbar.com" What's that spell? o-u-c-h.
Bicycle by Charles Strain
Life and Death as Charles Strain
Tom Ridge is a Horse's Ass
Tom Ridge announced on Friday that we are bracing for a terrorist attack designed to disrupt our national election á la Madrid train bombing. If you missed this story don't feel bad, it was easy to miss. I was watching CNBC, my morning habit, and they had the live feed from the press conference. CNBC was bored, so they cut away after 5 minutes. I don't blame the media for not giving this story more attention, it's old news: terrorist attack, yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah. Further, Tom Ridge looks and acts like the authoritarian that I've spent most of my life running from, think evil junion high assistant-principle or stick-up-ass boss. Democrats even questioned the Department of Homeland Security's motives saying that the White House is trying to maintain a national sense of fear to provide a boost for President Bush this November. What we have here is a case of The Boy Who Cried Wolf. Worse, we know our president lied to the world to settle his family's old score, give his cronies some kickbacks and pick up some oil. Now we're blasé about terrorism, which isn't such a bad thing, really. Do we really think that Tom Ridge, with his $10 gazillion new Homeland Security web portal is going to have any impact on a couple of fanatics with a truckload of explosive fertilizer and some radioactive hospital waste? We might as well walk around with big targets on our asses, fill out our last wills and say our goodbyes (the classified briefing on this is apparently very sobering). I have one piece of advice for Mr. Ridge: please stop referring to the United States as "The Homeland" -Ugh! that bristles my feathers! Oh and one more thing, drop the airport clusterfuck you've created. You're not doing one bit of good there except to quell the reptilian brains of the masses into thinking falsely that air travel is now impervious to terrorist attack, it isn't. Let's do away with the illegal search and seizure.
Schooled
That's great Howie. Can I also blame school for making me a self-righteous asshole?
Why I'm Creative
I learned today that:
Experiments show that most children rank highly creative (right brain) before entering school. Because our educational systems place a higher value on left brain skills such as mathematics, logic and language than it does on drawing or using our imagination, only ten percent of these same children will rank highly creative by age 7. By the time we are adults, high creativity remains in only 2 percent of the population.
This explains a lot to me. I've wondered why I was "creative" and surrounded by people who are not. The reason is because I didn't attend school when I was a kid. I did everything I could to get out of it and when I did go I was usually not paying attention. So there's a real corollary between slackers and creativity.
Things I've discovered in the Last 48 Hours
1. There is greater than 99% chance of life other than our own in the universe.
2. There is zero chance that we will discover life in the universe given our current propulsion technology.
3. Females will turn males into drones (and get rid of all the other females) if given the opportunity, e.g., ants, bees and termites.
4. Human females have the proclivity to boast to one another that they are well travelled. I hypothesise that this is their way of saying that they are super gatherers of the hunter-gatherer legacy mind-set.
5. Consciousness is created by our brains and as such will die out when our brains die thus prompting the notion that anything other than survival of the self or other life forms, i.e., providing shelter, sleeping, eating, copulating or raising one's young is entirely pointless.
6. Plants separate carbon from oxygen through photosynethesis and energy from the Sun, giving us the two essential substances we need to survive, oxygen to breathe and carbon to eat.
7. Billards is a game that involves complex physics but a knowledge of those physics is not necessary to master the game, rather all that is required is a blind trust that if you hit a cue ball at the 6:30 position, English will cause the ball to trend to the left.
8. One well-placed explosive device on a Saudi pipeline would be enough to cause major economic termoil in the world, marked with hyper-inflation and a plunging stock market.
9. The left-brain thinkers of the world have control at the moment. This is why left-brain thinking is predominant in our school system. Right-brain thinking is not rewarded. Beethoven would be considered an imbicile by today's standards.
Thursday Night
Last night I came home and was told by my wife to go get some Indian food. I dropped our Guatamalan nanny off at the BART station on the way. I picked up the food and brought it home. I ate the food. It was good. I was then told to go to the Safeway and get some groceries. I did. I came home and unpacked the groceries. My wife told me I was being too noisey. I went to bed on the sofa.
Gay Bar.
Paper or Plastic
Last night I was in WalMart looking through the DVDs on sale. I really like buying those old classics like Animal House, 12 O'Clock High, Porky's, and others that I really dug in my earlier years, but only if i can get them for around 5 bux. So here I am looking through the sale junk, though I was about to invest in the Scarface 2-DVD set, when this little hottie comes up and asks me about the difference in "full screen" versus "wide screen."
The next thing I know we run off hand in hand to the linens section, DVDs tossed aside now useless. I grabbed her firmly behind the neck and gently pulled her close, planting a deep, tongue-incensed kiss on her full moist lips. She reaches up and pulls off her halter top, exposing her college-age, plump, ripe breasts, with nipples proturuding out like 2nd grade pencil erasers. I begin to suckle them with the tip of my tongue and then just dive in and all out slurp/suck those doorstops like I was feeding.
We ease off into a corner where the 2nd rate curtains are displayed and wrap ourselves into a secluded cacoon. We are suddenly and mysteriously naked and I ease myself into her inviting, tan thighs. We begin to make passionate, though discreet, love right there in the Home Furnishings Aisle 16, just out of sight from the security cameras. I reach the finish line just as she is writhing in ecstasy and we both collapse exhausted yet fulfilled in the curtain sale box area.
Just then I realize that, just before I selected one of Al Pacino's finest masterpieces, I had been to the local TGI Fridays and had 4 Long Island Iced Teas in the course of 15 minutes and one Cajun Shrimp Pasta dish. As I reeled myself out of the fixed, psychotic gaze into these luciously firm and inviting Grand Titans, I explained that the a widescreen edition of a movie presents the film frame as it was seen in the movie theater and because a movie screen is a wide rectangle and a television screen is more like a square in shape, the movie image has to be sandwiched between two black bars to fill up the space. A full screen edition of the movie ,on the other hand, does away with the black bars, and instead fills your television from top to bottom with image. However, since it's impossible to cram a rectangle into a square, the sides of the film frame have to be chopped off (or "cropped"). You're only seeing a portion of the entire image, but that image at least fills up your television screen.
Alas, the coed departed with a mere thank you and I proceeded to say hello to my little friend.
