Argh! Republicans!
Last night Rudolph Guiliani took the stand at the GOP convention and he was humourous and confident on stage. He was also really, really scary. This guy makes Bush look like a cream puff. The tact he uses as rationale for re-electing Bush is that "in order to keep the pressure on al-Qaeda" we should stick with Bush. This isn't a new strategy for re-electing war presidents but I couldn't help but think as Guiliani said "Thank God George Bush is President" I thought, "Thank God the Republicans have al-Qaeda to use as a dart board" otherwise they'd have nothing to talk about. I contend that 9-11 was the best thing to ever happen to Bush and indeed the entire GOP, otherwise we'd have Kerry as a shoe-in for President and the Republican convention speakers would have nothing to say. Here's a test: how much substance, other than fighting terrorism will come out of the convention? My guess: 2%.
While on the subject, let's just recap what the GOP has done about terrorism: jack squat! Pakistan, England, France and Spain have all done more than us to actually capture terrorists. We just used it as an excuse to get rid of some foreigners, occupy a couple countries and take away some civil liberties.
George Bush said yesterday that you can't win the war on terror. He'll eat those words today because the Democrats have attacked him on it but he actually told the truth, you can't win. All of this furor is over a dozen dudes who took some flight training and had box cutters. Could it happen again? Of course. Could something even more diabolically creative happen? Yes! There isn't a damn thing any president can do about it. What they should do is forget about it, focus on making life better and stop spending money fighting Iraqis.
Guiliani actually said last night that Saddam was the "weapon of mass destruction" -what an ass.
Best Job Ever!
I just read an interesting advertisement for a major retail department store (ok, JC Penney). It was an advertisement seemingly directed to market to women. The ad was a call to participate in a personalized "Bra Fitting." Now as you may or may not know, I really love boobies! I want this job and I wonder how much it pays!!!??? Then again, WHO CARES! It said that personal appointments could be set up with a "Bra Fitting Specialist," so I called and made an appointment. Though the person on the other end of the line was quite confused, I explained that I needed a fitting for a Man Bra. We will see how that goes, but if alll else fails, maybe I will put in an application when I am there. Is there Bra Fitting Specialist Training? Let's set up a school!
Verbosity Villains
The medals for most verbose posts go to:
Gold - ApeRobot: 214.64 words/post
Silver - Captain Hurricane Heinous Charley: 169.85 words/post
Bronze - HowieHardcore: 140.89 words/post
Tin - BilFreshKlinton: 110.00 words/post
Congrats
Cheech and Chong, Pass the Bong
I watched an E! True Hollywood Story about the infamous Richard Moran and Thomas Chong last night and learned quite a few things. Did you know:
1) They were originally in a rock band that sucked.
2) That rock band broke up and Richard and Tommy went on their own.
3) They entered a band contest and won without playing a single note.
4) They won the contest by doing an impromptu comedy bit while the stage was being set up.
5) The impromptu "pre-show" lasted over one hour.
6) Their bit - a couple of stoner dudes - never failed them and covered underculture ground that few comedy acts wanted to touch.
7) The name "Cheech" was Richard's childhood nickname, derived from the spanish word Chicharon - or pork rind - which other kids said he looked like.
8) They did multiple TV and stage routines and even Vegas, Baby!
9) Then came the movies, where "Up In Smoke" grossed over $70 Million (in 1973).
10) They had several successful movies that tapered in gross proceeds, but all impressive in terms of earnings.
11) Neither Cheech nor Chong were stoners, and in fact were health freaks that worked out regularly with trainers and stuck to strick healthy diets. It can be argued later, however, that Chong fell into drugs and pot after the breakup of the duo.
12) You have now watched the episode I watched, but in a fraction of the time.
The only other guys I know that could possibly have been as successful promoting cheba besides Cheech and Chong would be the creators of High Times magazine.
Howie's List
Isn't Craig's List funny! It started out as a way for all the dot-bomb losers to try to network and get into the wave. Then it turned into a wholesale housing market for the same dot-bomb losers that couldn't afford San Fran any longer. How depressing!
Here's an idea (copyrighted by me, not you John Morse you fuckhead) > Create a website called www.todo.com and allow users to enter their "to do" or task lists. You could have a personal or professional list site, or both. Then other users can search and browse and complete tasks of their chosing, most likely completing the tasks of others. There could even be a small commission involved somehow if the task you complete helps somebody else. For example, if my to-do is to shave my butt crack, then I ain't gonna pay you if you shaved your butt crack. But (hardy har), if your to-do is to write your Congressman and I need to do that too, I may be willing to borrow your letter/template/grievance to ease my own effort, and would be willing to pay you $5 for it. There is also the indirect to-do allyoop, where I may be reminded to get my taxes in because of your to-do, and I would be willing to fork over $1 for the reminder that may have cost me added time and/or effort.
Smoke that foo.
You literalists can suck me pie hole
Yeah Al Qaeda's cool. Whatever Republicans. Break out your M-16s and duct tape yourselves into your bathrooms.
On a more real note: I'm thinking of scrapping Lowbar as a blog and turing into a community service like Craigslist (which was recently sold 25% of it's sares to EBay). One exception is that it would be mo' bettah. graphically and offer more. Fair warning given, I start bombing in 5, 4, 3, 2 ...
Dear Al Qaeda: Hope is on the way!
Al Qaeda seems to be hurtin' these days. Thier plans to blow up Heathrow and buy stinger missles being thwarted, I figure they could use some help. So here's some advice: You have at your disposal millions of blogs such as this which nobody reads and which you can visit and post comments. This would give you your own secure way of inter-terror network communication. An example might be to write "this Howie guy is so fucking funny" in the comments, which could mean to your sleeper cell "kill the prime minister at midnight." No more running videos of Osama to Al Jazeera at 3 am through the mountains of Pakistan, no more unsecure cell phone lines, just the anonymity of the Internet at your disposal coupled with the hilarious musings of idiots
like this chick. Just a thought, think about it Al, it could really turn things around for you.
GubMent
| Government Professionals’ Meeting Term | Actual Meaning |
| Agenda | A reason to have a meeting; no topic on the agenda, other than “Introduction,” really gets discussed. |
| Deliverable | Something promised but never delivered. |
| Action Item | New work for somebody not in the meeting. |
| Subject Matter Expert (SME) | Some idiot that showed interest in something. |
| Next Steps | Excuses for more meetings |
| Bug Report | Deliverable |
| Metric | An attempt to prove you haven’t done shit. |
| Task Plan | Categorization of work that will never get done |
| Holiday | Any day a government employee doesn’t show up. |
| User Expectation | Promises made but damn lies. |
| Titties | Big juicy jugs you can stare at during meetings. |
| Support | Good money after bad. |
| User Interface | A computer. |
| Going on Record | A refusal to do something. |
| Agree to Disagree | You are full of shit. |
| Conscious Decision | I just woke up, what was that? I second it! |
| Office Closure | Holiday. |
| Slide Deck | 85 reused presentation charts that get ignored. |
| Meeting Break | An excuse to leave. |
| Schedule | Minutes until time to go home |
