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Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to formally request that my men's basketball team, the Coney Island Franklins, be permitted to play against NCAA Division I teams as part of next year's preseason game schedule. Given the opportunity, I am confident that our squadron will be able to offer formidable competition and get schools ready for exciting NCAA Division I regular-season matches.
Formed in December 2002, the Coney Island Franklins shall be festooned in brown uniforms with orange and gold trim. A caricature of Benjamin Franklin with a basketball for a head shall be featured on the front of the uniforms. This shall serve as a testament to our squadron's love of basketball, United States history and the spirit of innovation.
While none of the current team members have experience playing at the varsity level of intercollegiate sports, the Franklins boast several athletes that actively participated in intramural collegiate sports. Several team members also excelled at the high-school and middle-school levels of the game.
Without further ado, I would like to introduce the 2003-04 Coney Island Franklins.
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PG - Bryan Terry (6'0, University of Missouri): Averaged 9.7 PPG, 4 ASST, 3.2 RPG throughout intramural career at University of Missouri... His trademark "Terry Two-Step" move looks like traveling, but it isn't... Dangerous around the basket and in crowded rooms... Seldom fooled by "woo!" and similar calls for passes by members of opposing team... Provides the Franklins with much-needed 'Street Cred'... Friends with someone who played at University of Michigan... Parents Tom and Pat Terry.
SG - Brian Kulak (6'0, Duke University): Averaged 9.9 PPG, 1.4 ASST, 6.4 RPG throughout Howard County Youth Basketball (HCYP) career... Led HCYP Indiana Hoosiers to 1989 playoff championship after 4-12 season, scoring 31 pts in final game before fouling out in 3rd quarter... Scouting reports say he is even stronger returning from ACL reconstruction surgery... Ejected from Cameron Indoor Stadium after starting fight with parent of Citadel player... Served salad to Grant Hill at Durham eatery... Claims he went on a date with Jennifer Love-Hewitt... Parents Rich and Debbie Kulak.
PF - Anthony Wingrove (6'4, University of Missouri): Averaged 9.3 PPG, 3.0 ASST, 4.4 RPG during intramural career... Attempts long-range set shots, not unlike Larry Bird... Birth of daughter Isabella in 2002 has led to rejuvenated tenacity on court; claims opposing team members are trying to take food out of his baby's mouth... Wears black socks, slacks... Brother Eric is apparently the greatest basketball player of all time... Mother Vandelle Wingrove.
SF - Tim Moynihan (6'1, Duke University/University of Missouri): Averaged 7.3 PPG, 2.3 ASST, 5.8 RPG during intramural career... Like Pau Gasol, Dirk Nowitski and Rik Smits, played high-school ball in Europe... Makes up for height disadvantage with multiple head-fakes on every shot... Yells loudly while rebounding to assert authority... Two words: Bling and bling... Has been referred to as "the thinking man's Tom Gugliotta"... Confirmed international TV star... Once made a three-point field goal in intramural game... Married June 2000... Parents Mike and Bonnie Moynihan.
C - Gabe O'Connor (6'8, University of Missouri): Averaged 7 beers while friends were playing in intramural games... An expert in both drawing fouls and fouling others...Generally emits a foul presence... Is very tall... Surprisingly adept and athletic for a drunk Irishman... Is very loud... Hobbies include smoking cigarettes, watching televised sporting events and finishing last in Sega NHL '94 tournaments... No relation to Sinead or Carrol O'Connor.
Head Coach - Paul Carrol (1 gallon, University of Missouri): Artificial human made from various items placed in a milk container... A legend of the sea... Thrown off a 3rd-floor balcony in 1998... Does not move unless carried by others... Does not speak... Parents Monty and Ruth Carrol.
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Here is a proposed schedule for the 2004 season:
Nov. 1 - Franklins @ Kansas - 7:00PM =====
Please look over this proposal, and please consider the Coney Island Franklins for the 2003-2004 NCAA Division I basketball preseason.
The Coney Island Franklins: Bringing the American history of basketball into the future.
Best regards,
Arturs Rico-Charlie
Click here to read an official e-mail response from the NCAA.
Nov. 3 - Franklins @ Duke - 5:30PM (ESPN2)
Nov. 4 - Franklins @ Maryland - TBA
Nov. 5 - Franklins @ UNC - Noon
Nov. 8 - Franklins @ Arizona - 7:25PM
Nov. 9 - Franklins @ UCLA - 6:35PM
Nov. 10 - Franklins @ Stanford - 7:30PM (ESPN)
Nov. 13 - Franklins @ Missouri - TBA
Nov. 16 - Franklins @ Cornell (Pak 'n' Save Ivy League Challenge) - 5:00PM
Arturs
President
The Coney Island Franklins Basketball Club