Scientifically proven facts
BEST COMMERCIAL OF THE YEAR
The hilarious Tostitos Scoops campaign, starring Dominique Wilkins, Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Bill Walton and Isaiah Thomas. The laffs never stop as the four basketball legends get together for an afternoon of snacking and also discussing snacks. Sure, they’re all retired, but it’s obvious that the competitive fires still burn deep inside as they compete to determine who can dip their Scoops chip in the fanciest manner. Following the skills-match, Wilkins tells his cager cohorts that this is his house. No, he is serious, this is his house and they must leave it. Emotionally paralyzed for an awkward, silent moment, Jabbar, Walton and Thomas stand frozen with shocked facial expressions. But Wilkins soon betrays his whimsical nature with a chuckle, and his hoopster houseguests realize ‘Nique’s stern command was naught but folly. The jovial nature of their friendship is reestablished, and they all laugh heartily in unison. Then the commercial ends. One can only surmise that after this, the four head off to Wilkins’s sauna for nude ‘n’ sweaty male-on-male backrubs.
BEST ALBUM OF THE YEAR
If it exists, the album by the band who sings the song about loving football in Coors Light commercials. Their remake of Louis Armstrong’s “What A Wonderful World” is inarguably 750 times better than the original. The way the lead singer repeats the part about loving twins is innovative and clever. I was going to write an essay about how when he repeats the part about loving the twins, the repetition echoes the fact that the objects of his affection are twins, but I decided against it. Instead: Beer fucking rules!
FILM ACHIEVEMENT OF THE YEAR
Catch Me If You Can, starring LeoFOXo DiHUBBA-HUBBArio and Tom HUNKS!!! I am not sure why I am fascinated by this film. It’s not really bad. It’s not really good. You would expect more from a star-studded cast and accomplished director. Instead, there’s nothing really wrong with it. The unprecedented achievement in question is that Steven Spielberg managed to make a film that caused my facial expression* to remain unchanged for two hours. In one year, the film will available on pre-viewed VHS tape for $6.99 at the Safeway check-out. The expression* I will make when I see it there will be the same as it was while I was watching it.
* Namely:
o..o
__
HOT TREND
Criticizing and making fun of other peoples’ artistic endeavors instead of getting off my ass and doing it myself.
BEST SHOE STORE BY FAR, BECAUSE THEY’VE GOT ALL THE OLD-SCHOOL SHIT IN THERE AT DISCOUNT PRICES. THE ONLY DRAWBACK IS THAT THE MERCHANDISE IS ORGANIZED CHAOTICALLY AND, OFTENTIMES, ONLY ODD SIZES ARE AVAILABLE FOR THE MOST POPULAR MODELS OF FOOTWEAR.
Shoe Pavilion.
SHOE STORE THAT SOUNDS MOST LIKE AN EPCOT CENTER ATTRACTION SPONSORED BY ROCKPORT
Shoe Pavilion.
TO ALL YOU HATERS WHO ARE FRONTING ON THE SHOE PAVILION
Y’all cannot fuck with Shoe Pavilion.
IT REALLY IS A MOTHERFUCKING MIRACLE
Miracle of Aloe™ Miracle Foot Repair foot cream.
DID MIRACLE FOOT REPAIR BRAND FOOT CREAM MAKE MY FEET -- WHICH IN RECENT YEARS HAVE SMELLED SO BAD THAT THEY ACTUALLY MADE MY FRIEND JEFF DRY-HEAVE AND HAVE ALSO SMELLED BAD ENOUGH FOR MY COLLEGE FRIENDS TO CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE WORSE-SMELLING FEET THAN MY FRIEND RANJ, WHO IS FAMOUS FOR HAVING REALLY SHITTY-SMELLING FEET -- ACTUALLY SMELL BETTER WHILE MOISTURIZING MY FEET TO THE POINT OF SMOOTH SILKINESS?
Yes.
WHAT MY NEW DR. SCHOLL’S CALLUS-REMOVING DEVICE ESSENTIALLY IS
A cheese-grater you can use in the shower.
BEST OPTIONAL ADD-ON FOR SONY ELECTRONICS
VCT-S30L Accessory Shoe.
ITEM THAT HAD THE SHORTEST RELEVANCE SPAN OF ANYTHING I CAN THINK OF, DUE TO THE RAPID GROWTH OF E-MAIL AND THE INTERNET, AND DESPITE THE FACT THAT WHEN ANYONE SAW ONE OF THESE FOR THE FIRST TIME, IT WAS THE COOLEST THING EVER
The fax machine. Honorable mention: The word processor.
BEST WORD PROCESSOR
Brother’s WP-1700 MDS Model, with Grammar Check I, PerfecType Professional Touch keyboard and spreadsheet data-merge capabilities. Available in beige.
BEST GAME INVENTED BY US LOWBAR SHITBAGS OVER THE PAST YEAR
The NFL-team-abbreviations game, in which a theoretical match-up consisting of abbreviations for NFL teams forms a double-entendre or a similar jeu de mots. For example: This NFC matchup will make you take the bus. Answer: NO-CAR. Again: This NFC matchup is your backup option for a yuletide beverage. Answer: NO-GB. Another: This interconference matchup gives Mexicans something to chew on. Answer: CHI-CLE. And so on and so forth.
I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THERE IS NO RAP ALBUM NAMED THIS
Lord of the Bling$.
I HATE THEM
People who walk slowly and shoulder-to-shoulder on the sidewalk, obliviously impeding people walking behind them and forcing them to walk into the street/cut across sidewalk-tree wood-chip planters to pass them.
I EXACT REVENGE THIS WAY
Once I pass them, I walk really slowly in front of them. If possible, I fart continuously and smellily.
I HATE THEM: HONORABLE MENTION
The people who think every person walking towards them on the sidewalk is implicitly challenging them to a game of chicken and will not move. If you bump their shoulder, they want to fight.
BEST UPCOMING YEAR
2003. Honorable mention: 1998.
