How to temporarily alleviate terrorism-related stress and/or fear
- Purchase the CD "Goin' Off" by Biz Markie.
- Insert the CD into your compact disc player.
- Set volume level to 7 or higher.
- Press play.
- If you already own the album: Ignore step #1.
- If you do not have the full forty-seven minutes and nineteen seconds available in order to enjoy the album in its entirety: Listen to the songs "Pickin' Boogers," "Albee Square Mall," "Biz Is Goin' Off," "Make The Music With Your Mouth Biz," and "Nobody Beats The Biz."
- For additional entertainment: Sing along to the "Go shopping" part in "Albee Square Mall."
- The following items are unrelated:
- Think of the 5 most disgusting things possible. Word on the street is that these things are all eaten as a "delicacy" in some non-USA country.
- If the side-effect of having high-quality cookware is that I have to wash it all by hand because the dishwasher will ruin it, then I don't want any more high-quality cookware.
- Eminem protege Obie Trice raps boastfully about how he uses his real name as a rap name in the song "Rap Name." Well that's because you have a cool name, Obie. I bet you wouldn't be so complacent or boastful if your real name was Ronald Worthington.
- I will note here that I am "just playing," because the last thing I want to do is get into a beef with Eminem and his homies. The last time I did that, I was mocked thoroughly on the MTV Video Music Awards.
- Enough with the fucking reality TV shows already. When our country is threatening to bomb another country and/or preparing to go to war, every TV channel should show "reality" programs regarding that topic. Here's an idea: Viewers should have to complete a geography/current-events quiz following news programs in order to unlock the reward of a reality TV show. Eat some vegetables, earn the right to eat dessert.
- What am I supposed to do with all this duct tape?
- If the terrorists were really smart, they would have made a bunch of poisonous duct tape.
- I have made a crude surface-to-air missle out of the duct tape.
- I have made a crude gas-mask out of duct tape as well.
- I am not sure if the duct-tape missle will be effective against nuclear arms and scud missiles.
- I am also not sure if the duct-tape gas-mask will be effective against botulism or the nerve agent VX.
- I am sure that the duct tape will come in very handy when I am posting photoes of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders and Biz Markie on the wall of my bomb shelter.
