An open letter to up-and-coming bar owners in the SF Bay Area
Dear Sir or Madam,
Hello. Please stop building bars like this in the Bay Area:
- It has a one-word name, like "Echidna," "Chariot" or "Shoehorn."
- If not a one-word name, the street address doubles as the name of the bar.
- There are more people waiting in line outside the bar than there are inside. There is also enough room inside the bar to accommodate the people waiting outside.
- Brushed-metal motif interior with stylish, expensive and incredibly uncomfortable seats.
- Drinks cost $9.00, which is apparently the going rate for simply pouring them into martini glasses.
- Names of drinks are all sexual/drug innuendo.
- There is no beer on tap.
- Average patron's idea of "cutting loose" is putting on an black turtleneck, pleated trousers and talking loud enough about "the client" so that it can be heard over the pulsating house music.
- The patrons and management alike refer to the bar's interior as a "space." A "cool, organic space," at that.
- The bartender is the same guy who gratuitously blocks intersection with his Mercedes SUV at rush hour, pretending he can't see you giving him the finger 3 feet to his right. It may take you up to 2 hours to get a drink, even when the bar is empty.
- Unisex bathrooms, which are the only pro of a place like this; they're the only bar restrooms clean enough for you to take a dump in.
- The washroom attendant is the only person worth talking to in the entire place. And he also has free gum.
Best Regards,
Those Of Us Who Remember What Bars Used To Be Like
