Do NOT Drink and Jive
As I was driving into work this morning, I came up with a brilliant idea, if I do say so myself. I travel quite extensively for work, as do many folks for their working stiff jobs. Being away from home, loved ones or favorite pickup joints can become extremely lonely. Basically I realized, with my 8oz hotel Maxwell House black coffee in hand, that I needed to get laid. I was also contemplating a team outing we are having but that is quite far away from the hotel. I plan on drinking but do not want to have to drive or pay for a $50 cab ride each way. I was also thinking about a recent rollerblading accident and the Urgent Care facility I visited for X-Rays. What a scam those places are but at least it is a cheap alternative to an HMO PCP, despite the suboptimal care part.
Solution 1: Now not that I advocate this behavior in any way, but prostitution is one outlet for said problem above. I mean, after all, there is only so much masturbation that one person/hand can take. However, prostitution is only legal in Las Vegas’ outskirt counties, and I do not work there. Also, safety and health issues are of concern. Let’s break this down. Holland has legalized prostitution and mandated certain health standards for its prostitutes. Let’s assume we have instituted a semblance of this in NV. Now security; usually “call girls” will be escorted by a body guard, a steroid byproduct Neanderthal that may or may not be armed. Street prostitutes have pimps, but who knows how efficient they are in securing the safety of the prostitutes.
Solution 2: One other thought is that designated drivers are indeed a wonderful policy among friends and colleagues. However, it is sometimes difficult to find a designated driver or con some sap into not drinking when everyone else is boozing it up.
Solution 3: Start my own Urgent Care facility for things like sports-related injuries, but which include therapy, message, and other non-medial treatment.
IDEA: So I thought to myself, “Self,” why not combine all three!? If I roll into a bar and get kashmlamerlated on vodka and stout, I just might be drunk enough to be horny. Then, when I am ready to go home, I find the meathead or two in the bar that are the “designated driver service representatives,” of which there may be several depending on the location of the bar. I pay this guy $100, $200, whatever, to drive me home. As an added benefit of this “safe ride” home, I am also accompanied by the “car safety attendant,” an incredible, beautiful and voluptuous specimen of femaleness, but again this depends on the location of the bar or city. This car attendant will make sure that I am “delivered safely” upon return to my destination. This could include any necessary “urgent care” that may be necessary due to my intoxication.
Get it? If you do, and would like to invest into this venture, send your echecks to heinous@lowbar.com. Also, if you are John Morse II, don’t steal my © COPYRIGHTED 2004 idea you sleazy fuck, because I will find you (in Chicago).
