"Don't worry America, it's perfectly safe to eat turkey this Thanksgiving. There is absolutely no chance that the bird flu has infected our poultry. There's no way that migratory birds infected with H5N1 from Canada have flown South into the U.S." [turns to turkey] "You're a cute little fella..." [cough] "Why Laura and I'd would like to cook you up..." [cough] [wheeze] "But looks like I'm gonna pardon you this year..." [sneeze] [cough] "Happy Thanksgiving everybody!" [hack] [spittle] [juicy, wet cough].
